Yea, We Were Talking About You.

Last night Kathrina called me to tell me she wasn't going Aprille's house for her BBQ and I already decided that I wasn't going since my ass and back were hurting from the fall. We were talking about spring flicks this weekend and she told me her friend is coming into town and that I should meet him. She said that he was my type and I said I won't do long distance again. Eric and I were pretty much doing long distance since we only saw each other once a week and looking back, I don't want to do that again. Then I told her how Eric and I broke up. After we hung up, she called me again saying that her friend just texted her saying he was in town already. What a coincidence! It was like his ears were ringing and he knew we were talking about him.

Anyways, after we hung up, I went upstairs to watch a movie and I got a text. I thought it was from her again but I didn't understand the text. Then I looked at who it came from and it all made sense. It was from ERIC. We haven't spoken since we broke up 3 weeks ago. Was his ears ringing too? I was just talking about him with Kathrina too! But anyways, while he was texting me, Mallory called so I didn't get to reply till an hour later. We were talking about Wicked and how he's still behind me. It was weird texting him but I've moved on. As the cliché goes, "there are plenty of men out there", and "I deserve better." I truly do believe I deserve better. I need someone who will make time for me, pick me up, and take care of me. Yea at the time, I felt that he could do all that for me. He just needed some time to get back on schedule after a show, but I was just infatuated by him and ignored the fact that he'll never do those for me. I've woken up and I realized I did all the work and got hurt in the end. So good riddance Eric and maybe one day you'll realize you need to change if you ever want to be happy.

Damn You Blue Skates Girl!

So I was minding my own business at the skating rink when all of a sudden I hear a scream and I got knocked down. I go flying up in the air and I landed flat on my ass. I guess it's a good thing I have some extra baggage in the trunk to cushion my fall. As I am holding my lower back rubbing it to ease the pain, I looked at who knocked me down. The first thing I noticed was the blue wheels on her blue skates. Then I looked up to see this teenage girl trying to apologize to me telling me that it was her friend's fault for letting her go. I tell her I'm ok, but I really am not. I wanted to say, "I'm old! I don't recover as fast as you!" But I just got up and skated on my merrily little way while holding onto my back. Yea I totally did the "old person getting back up while rubbing their back" move. I'll be hurting tonight, tomorrow, and the next day. At least I got some exercise today.

Go Green!

Is it me or is going green too trendy? The government has always been urging people to recycle and conserve energy for as long as I can remember. But ever since celebrities have become aware of the benefits of caring for the Earth and their impact on the lives of their fans, it has become too trendy. Everywhere I turn, there's a commercial or a website about going green. I was watching TLC last night and they were talking about having a channel for the sole purpose of helping everyone go green. It's so trendy that it might be getting out of hand. Yes, I care about the Earth. Yes, I want to have clean air and water but it just seems that people are going too far and are capitalizing on something that we've been doing for years just because a celebrity says to do it. So go ahead and go green if you want, but I'll just stick to my own routine of conserving energy, water, and gas and try to recycle whenever I can. You may call it going green, I call it a routine.

Self Curse

I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I don't knock on wood enough. But whenever I say "I never..." or "I don't...", it actually does happen to me. Take for instance, a few years ago, I was talking to a friend and I said, "I've never gotten a speeding ticket." Low and behold, a few days later, I got pulled over for not only speeding, but for running a red light and no seat belt.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm working with my mom at the park catering my aunt's college reunion when I decided I want to try and get a tan. If you know me, I can barely get a hint of a tan. But I was outdoors for 5 plus hours so I was bound to get some type of color on this pale colored skin of mines. My aunt suggested I wear sun block because she thought I'll get sun burned since I'm so fair skinned. My response? "I don't get sunburned." Yea, I don't get sunburned my ass. After 5 hours outside, I was red as a lobster. And now my shoulders and my chest are kicking me in the ass for cursing myself. I think this is my second sunburn and the first time doesn't even count. It was just my nose and it wasn't this bad. So from now on, I'm not going to say "I never..." or "I don't..." because there isn't enough wood out there for me to knock on to counteract the curse I put on myself.

A New Future?

Last night my cousin called me saying she was in town since her dad wanted to randomly come to Vegas. I told her that I called her dad a few days ago to see if he could do anything about my application for the county. She told me that he was meeting with Janet, his friend who works for county and that's when we both realized that this random trip to Vegas was because of me! He called me this morning saying that Janet can maybe do something since the position is in the IT department. Hopefully I'll be saying adios to my old job and hola to a new job in county. Pray that I get an interview and I wow them with my charm because we all know that I am not that qualified.

Leaving My Comfort Zone

The one thing I learned from Eric was learning to leave my comfort zone. He made me realize that I wasn't that happy with my current monotonous job and life. I haven't been satisfied for quite some time but I chose to stay only because I'm awaiting a promotion this year. But Eric made me realize that even if I get more money and more responsibilities, I'll still be unsatisfied. So I took the first step into leaving this comfortable life. I applied for a job for the county. I've always wanted a job in the government because of the awesome benefits and the chance for early retirement. Even though I wasn't really qualified, it took a lot for me to actually apply. I even called my uncle to see if he could push my application through or anything to give me a little advantage to my disadvantage qualifications. I really hope I do get this job because I'm ready for a change. New job, new life, and possibly a new man. Well not anytime soon of course, but when I'm ready to let go of Eric.

I Don't Need to Know This

When I told Jill that Eric and I were breaking up, the first thing she said was she was sorry. The second thing she said was, I had a feeling it wouldn't last. Then she goes on to tell me that she and our friends were talking about us at a friend's party that I didn't attend. And they were talking about how they didn't like Eric and that they wish I was still with Andrew. Granted, they just want what's best for me but I really didn't appreciate them judging Eric after one meeting or not even meeting him at all. I don't really appreciate that they bring up Andrew to me. Do they not remember what he put me through? Did they forget how immature he was for going through this 6 month relationship and still not wanting to be exclusive. Granted it was partially my fault for sticking through it, but he didn't have the balls to end it when it was going too far. Why date someone for that long if you really don't have any intentions of being exclusive? I had to step up and save my heart from heartbreak. Now I realize what Eric meant. She didn't have to tell me this even if it's the truth. Even though Eric and I aren't together anymore, I defended him to Jill. I don't think she appreciated me being so defensive with Eric since she never responded to my message of how he and I ended our relationship. I think after my relationship with Eric, I can see how I don't want to go back to my old life. I don't want to hang out with my old friends who still party and drink all the time. Is this me growing up? Well, actually Eric helped me keep my New Year's resolution. Just don't tell him that. I don't want him to get a big head.

Officially Single...Unfortunately

So Sunday night I officially became single. Eric called me around 7pm like I asked him to. He was usually good on his word when it comes to calling.
me: Hey
him: Hey
me: so what's going on?
him: nothing.
me: what's on your mind?
him: nothing
me: no. what's on your mind about us?

And that's when it started. He says he feels like it's not working between us. He says it's only been 3 months and he already feels us growing distant. It's not WE who are growing distant, it's you! You're the one who wont drop the argument. Of course, that's his invitation to bring up Jill again. He says that ever since I told him the truth of how Jill felt the first time she saw him, he couldn't move past that feeling of rejection. And then he accuses me of caring about what people think of me. I tell him I could care less of what people think of me. I know a few people who hate me because of the way I look and act, but it doesn't matter to me. Then he goes on about how I don't know when to drop things. He says that I kept asking him to change his relationship status on myspace. I never told him this because I didn't think of it until we hung up, but the reason why I kept asking him to was because he said he was going to change it and I never saw him follow through on it. And then he says I'm too social for him. He says when I hang out with people, I bring a large group of friends. I told him that the only reason there's a large group of us is because it's usually someone's birthday. I rarely hang out with a large group. I'm usually with a few girlfriends doing a girl's night out. Then he says that he feels like I'm showing him off. What does that mean? He says that the one night I took him out, he felt like I was showing him off. First of all, no I wasn't. I wanted him to meet a few of my friends. And second, they were excited to meet him because we've been dating for a couple of months now and have never seen him. He accused me of forcing him to go when he didn't feel like going. Again, I wanted him to follow through on his promise. He told me he'd go and I think it's important to keep your word. I'm not apologizing for that. I told him that his temper and negativity was what made me realize we weren't good for each other. His little outburst the first day of his job scared me. He was lost yes, but I was helping him with the directions already. He didn't have to keep yelling and cursing about how he knew he was going the wrong way but still continued on with the directions he was given. I told him that I've been reevaluating our relationship since then and that this made it easier for me to end it. Then he goes on saying how he's sorry he hurt me and that maybe if I forgive him we can still be friends. And that maybe we can see each other in two weeks when he's here for the day. I told him maybe. He even suggest that if we're friends by then, we can go camping in the summer. I'd rather go camping with my boyfriend. I told him that the one thing I'll miss was our conversations. We had the best conversations and none of them felt forced. We were able to hold conversations for hours everyday and that's rare to find. And he agreed. And that's when it turned around. We admit we still care for each other. And it would be in our best interest just to end it now so neither one of us gets hurt down the line. We civilly ended our relationship and ended up talking for an hour and a half more as friends. We were even laughing. What type of break up was this?? I told him this was the best break up I've ever had. How can we go from arguing and breaking up to just laughing and possibly seeing this turning into a friendship?

I still miss him. I miss his daily calls. His daily texts. His sweet good night texts. But I know this is for the best. Right now I don't mind his late hours and only seeing him once a week. But I know I'll resent him later. This is for the best and I'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but I know I'll be okay eventually. But who knows, maybe once he's established and settled down, our hearts can meet again. He'll always be a part of me because no one ever forgets their first.

Dun Dun Dun

So I'm still up pretty early. I woke up at 4am today then I went back to sleep only to wake up a little before 7 because I can't sleep anymore. The stress of this relationship is taking a toll on my body. I feel a sore throat coming on. My sleep is being interrupted. I text Eric last night before bed asking if he's off on Sunday and there was response. Today is the day we're supposed to talk about us. I have a feeling he's going to take the immature route and not even call me. I have a feeling he's going to either ignore me till next week, or call me at the last second today. He probably doesn't want to call me so he can hear me cry. To know he's the reason I've been crying all week and loosing sleep.

A part of me just wants us to take a break and maybe pick up where we left off when he comes home in May. But another part of me wants to just break it off because he can never give me what I want in a relationship. I'm not a needy girl who needs to see her boyfriend everyday. But I do want to be acknowledged everyday at least through text. I want to know how his day went even if it's just through a few texts everyday. That's why I was okay with his long hours. He would make time to call or text me. But the one thing he can't give me and I'm sure I'll find in a different guy. Being open minded to do new things. Eric is like an old man. He's set in his ways and is not willing to change. Eric is so negative towards everything that I get frustrated even suggesting something. That's the one thing I wont miss about Eric. His negativity and his short temper. I think ever since his birthday outbursts in LA, I was reevaluating our relationship and I think deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work. His short temper reminds me of my dad and it's what I despise in my dad. When my parents were fighting yesterday, all I could think of was Eric and how if we do go on with this relationship, I'll be like my mother, saying he'll never change and threatening to leave him.

So, hurry up Eric and call me. Let's end this relationship. I've already accepted it and mourned all week for the loss of this relationship. I just want to say that it's not me who is being immature, it's you. You're the one who's not open minded enough to accept other people's opinions and not let it affect you. You're the one who doesn't want to drop it. And you're the one who's using this fight as an excuse to break up with me. You're not as mature as you think you are.

You once told me you feel like you're not supposed to be happy. But I think it's because when you feel a hint of happiness, you take a step back and you intentionally ruin it for yourself. I don't think you want to be happy. I think you want to shelter yourself from happiness because you know you can't stay happy forever and you're afraid you'll get hurt. Everyone has a right to be happy and just because you might get hurt, that feeling of happiness is always worth it. I know you were starting to feel happy. I heard it in your voice when I would talk to you. I saw your face light up from time to time. It's just too bad you ruined something so good between us.

If only I'll be brave enough to tell him all these things without getting choked up. I was never one to talk about my feelings without crying. When Mallory came over on Friday, I was okay until she would ask me how I was feeling and then the water works would come with that simple question. I haven't been this emotional in awhile and I hate it.

What I'll Miss

So my body doesn't realize that I'll be single soon. I've been waking up earlier and earlier each day thinking that Eric will give me my usual morning call. It hurts more and more thinking it's finally over. Tomorrow is supposedly the day we're going to break up. As I'm writing this, I can't believe I'm awake before 7am on a Saturday. Eric usually calls me around 6:30am everyday right before he goes to work, even on the weekends. I'm thankful for my friends who keep trying to comfort me in this time in need. A lot of my friends have never seen my emotional side because I try to hide the pain I feel.

What I'll miss the most is the chemistry and the connection Eric and I had. We were complete opposites and yet we were able to hold a conversation for hours on end everyday. It's hard to find a guy who will talk to you for five minutes, let alone a few hours. He and I would talk about anything and everything. I will miss the Friday nights cuddling and massage sessions. Even though he wasn't the best person who gave massages, his efforts were cute. He was just a big dork at heart and I'll miss that. But I realize more that we were never meant to be. I saw him for who he was and it's definitely not what I want in a boyfriend. The second night he was in LA, he got lost and he called me. He was getting furious because his friend gave him the wrong directions so he kept yelling while he was on the phone with me. He wasn't yelling at me, he was just yelling to express how angry he was that he couldn't get home. You know that saying that women date men who are similar to their fathers. His short temper and his desire to not be social is definitely how my father acts. But his strong worth ethics and his do it yourself attitude is what made me see the qualities I enjoy seeing in my father.

Sometimes I feel that I'm okay with the break up and I'll be fine. Then I'll randomly just cry out of nowhere and realize that I'm still in deep like with him. Some people say he's making this fight about judging people as an excuse to just break up with me. It seems like it but I don't want to taint our relationship. Even though it wasn't a long one, it was definitely one for the books. He made the beginning of 2008 memorable for me and that's how I want to remember it.

We Need to Talk

So I get a text from Eric this morning saying "we need to talk." But not now. On his day off. Why not just get it over with. I know he wants to talk because he wants to break up with me. He tells me that we're in different places. He realized this when I told him that the first time Jill saw him at the party we met, she thought he was a bad boy and didn't like him. He says it was immature of me to tell him that. First of all, he brought it up. Second, what was I supposed to do? Lie? I don't lie to people I care about. I don't want this relationship to end. I care for Eric but it's a two way street and I'll just have to accept it. But I won't end it without a fight. I'm going to tell him how I really feel. If he's going to break up with me because of that, that's not very mature of him. He's not as mature as he makes himself out to be. So we've scheduled a day to talk and most likely break up. It'll be Sunday and I'll be a free girl unfortunately. I really don't want to break up but I must keep my dignity.

What a Coinkydink!

I'm tired of writing blogs about depressing stuff going on in my life. I never realized how hard a long distance relationship was until I became in one. I never realized how hard a relationship was period, until I became in one. But anyways, enough about my depressing sob stories. Just pray that it'll get better for me.

I was listening to the radio and they were talking about strange coincidences that seems to unreal to happen in real life. People called in talking about how they met someone randomly and now they are living happily ever after. People called in talking about how they randomly ran into an old friend in a strange place. My strange coincidence happened while I was in college. I usually went to school early and sat in the hallway outside my class to get some last minute studying. I was minding my own business focusing on my notes when I hear, "Are you Monica?" I look up at this girl who seems to recognize me. I blink a few times trying to rack my brain as to who this person was. Nope, no idea who she was. Then she says, "It's me! Thanh!" The only thing that came through my mouth was, "Oh my God." I haven't seen this girl since junior high and we lost touch. We tried keeping in touch our freshman year of high school but that didn't go so well. We had our own lives already and couldn't hold onto our past. We still talk about that incident when we reminisce about our past. Since Thanh has always been an introvert and a homebody, we always seem to loose touch. But when we do find each other, we are always able to pick up where we left off. The last time I saw her was two years ago, and I'm sure I'll see her one day again. We always seem to find each other.

Not April Fools

So I was going to play an April Fools joke on everyone yesterday and make it a fun day. Instead, April Fools wanted to play the joke on me. Instead of it being funny though, I ended up crying. Last night, Eric and I were just irritating the hell out if each other. It all started with me bringing up a good friend of mine. Awhile back I confessed to him that she hated him the first time she saw him at the party we first met because he looked like a bad boy. She was just being protective of me like a good friend and wanted the best for me. He was taken back by the prejudgment that he instantly said he hated her for that. Well last night was the last straw. We got into an argument of judging people and how he hates it when people prejudge you based on what you look like. Honestly, everyone does it. It's the people who act on their judgment and don't give anyone a chance who are pricks. After some disagreements, I didn't want to talk anymore. I was getting frustrated that he wasn't open minded that I gracefully surrendered my feelings towards prejudgment and said I'll just go to bed. We hung up and a second later he texts me asking if I was mad. Of course I was mad. He insulted my friend based on a prejudgment she made a few months ago in which she had confessed was wrong and has taken a liking to him without meeting him. After a few texts, he has agreed to be open minded and to meet her one day. It just seems that this distance between us is taking a toll on our relationship. He needs to come home soon or else the past two months of hard work will be worthless. I'm willing to fight for it but it's a two way street. I can't fight for two people.