Corn "Maze"

Last night I went to a corn maze out in Moapa Valley with Karen, her boyfriend Ryan, and his coworker Ty whom they were trying to set me up with. Karen doesn't know me very well. She does not know my type at all! Oh well. I agreed to go only to see this corn maze. When we got there, Ryan ran into some of his friends. Random huh? So we all went through the maze together in mini groups. Karen and I were holding flashlights and decided to flash the creepers before they get to us by yelling "headshot!" I felt so bad when I flashed a guy in the face. I didn't mean to but he ran right into the light. This corn maze wasn't even a maze at all! There was only one way to get out. It was pretty lame, but Karen and I were able entertain ourselves by "headshooting" people. The other fun party was watching one of Ryan's friends scream bloody murder with fright. After the corn maze, we decided to go to Pahrump and hang out in the desert and tell ghost stories with Ryan's friends. We saw a few shooting stars and the whole night we kept trying to scare Shaun. It's so cute to see guys scared of these things. Even though the guy and I didn't hit it off, I still had fun.

No Means No

My friend Karen tried to set me up with this guy. We talked a few times through facebook and through text/phone for a few days before meeting up. He lives by my house so he came over to hang out. He seemed like a cool guy so on Saturday I asked him to come over after partying with my family. Big mistake. This guy did a 180 on me. He was a total douche bag and didn't take no for an answer. He tried to get me to do stuff I didn't want to do and when I couldn't take it anymore, I kicked him out of my house. But before he left he kissed me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. So after I kicked him out, he calls me asking me if his keys were in my house. Great. I can't believe I have to let him back inside. His keys weren't in the house, and he still tried to kiss me. Are you fucking serious?! I'm trying to figure out what to do with you, and all you're concered right now is kissing me?? I asked if his keys are in his pockets and he said to search him. Guess what I found? A condom in his pocket! I can't believe after just 2 meetings, he really thought I was that type of girl to sleep with him. Idiot. Anyways, after he tried to kiss me again, I tell him to leave. Not more than 5 minutes later, he called me again, but I didn't pick up. He texted me saying he found his keys. They were under his car near the wheel. Yea, like I'm really that stupid to think you didn't put them there.

I call both Karen and Aprille whom are both friends with him and tell them what happened. They were both in shock and disgusted with the guy. They can't believe he would act that way. Karen expressed her disappointment towards him and so said we need to talk. We didn't get to talk til later that night and when I told him how uncomfortable he made me feel that night, he was shocked. Like he didn't realize what an asshole he was. Then he tried to make an excuse for his actions by saying he was just joking around. And I pointed out that he didn't act like he was joking around and he should have known better when a woman says no, she really means no, and she shouldn't have to repeat herself more than twice. He kept appologizing to me, but I really didn't feel he was sincere about it. He later told Karen that he feels he should just drop all his classes and move back to Utah so the three of us will feel comfortable he's gone. I really think he just wants to take the coward's way out now that a girl stood her ground and pointed out what he did wrong. This guy is just really immature and he just need to realize that not all girls are easy and should be treated with respect. He still wants to be friends but I told him we need to cool off for a bit and he still tried to push us being friends. He needs to also learn how to just accept things and stop pushing his opinions on others to make them change their minds. Big turn off!

2 Person Kickback

Last week, my friend Jeff IMed me on Facebook. I haven't seen him since college but we'd talk every now and then through Facebook. So when he IMed me, I teased him he never invites me to see his new house yet. So he invited me to come over right then and there. I told him I couldn't since I've been working 12 plus hours that night and all I want to do is relax at home. I figured he lived too far anyways. So he said to come over on the weekend. The weekend comes and he texts me asking if I'm still coming over. I thought he was having a few friends over to have a kickback. Nope. It was just him and me hanging out. We ended up watching football for a few minutes with him explaining me some of the rules. I kind of got into it, but not so much where I wanted to watch a whole game. He noticed I was bored so he pointed to a couple of blue rays he borrowed. I ended up picking National Treasure 2 which by the way was kind of boring. It's no wonder I never finished that movie. I think I've tried watching it twice and fell asleep both times. Anyways, while we were watching the movie, he would touch my leg and slowly go towards my hand. It was so cute. But it kind of caught me off guard. He did kiss my hand a few times which REALLY caught me off guard. I started to feel tired since I spent the whole day shopping. Yes, shopping is tiring! So after the movie ended, I got up and said I should go home now. If he liked me, I think I pretty much blew it right there. I should have at least stayed a little bit to see where he wanted to go. But all I thought about was, wow it's late and I have to wake up at 9am for church. Sigh....oh well. I'll get em next time!

I'm Just Not That Into Him

I can go a long time without talking to him. Even thinking about him. I guess I'm just not that into him anymore. And in the beginning when I realized this, I felt bad. Mainly because I thought he was really into me. But I think we've come to a mutual understanding without having the awkward "I like you but not like like you" talk. He doesn't call me anymore. He texts me on the weekends when he's already out. I'm relieved. I think ever since he got sent to jail for DUI, my attraction for him diminished. I wasn't trying to be judgmental because a lot of my friends and I have driven when we shouldn't have. I'm not proud of myself that I can admit to driving while under the influence. I thank God that nothing happened. Ever since PJ passed away last year, I'm more aware as how capable I am of driving after a night of drinking. There were a couple of times where I wasn't able to hold my liqueur but I have great friends to drive me home. It was the fact that this was his second time running in with the law and both times he firmly believed he wasn't in the wrong. When he point blank said the cops should have just let him with a warning turned me off. It showed that he doesn't take responsibilities for his actions and can't admit when he's wrong. So I shall be moving on with the next guy. Who's next in line? Just kidding! I think I'll enjoy singlehood. I like just hanging out with whoever I want and not having to be half there with the company. Everytime I'm dating someone, I'm always busy texting them while I'm hanging out with friends. So for now, my friends can have my full attention.

I'm Dating a Jailbird

All day yesterday I was texting him and was wondering why he didn't text back. He usually texts back within a couple of hours unless he was somewhere he didn't have reception. He left me a voice mail last night while I was getting ready to go to Yard House. He said that he had a story to tell me. I wonder what that story was so I called him while I was getting dressed.

M: Hey. What's up? What's the story?
H: I just got out of jail.
M: What?! Uh. What happened?

Apparently he was partying all night Saturday night and sun rising Sunday he was going home on the 215 driving 5 mph over the speed limit when he got pulled over. The cop asked if he's been drinking and he said yea but the last drink I had was at midnight. So he was asked to step out of the car and was taken to jail. The legal limit is .080 and he blew a .082. He was complaining to me that the cop was overreacting and he should have just let him go since he was near his house. And I had to rationalize it to him that the cop was just doing his job and if he did let him go and something happened it would be the cop's fault. Yea the cop was a bit anal for pulling you over for just going over 5 mph but maybe he saw something else. Maybe you were swerving and you didn't know? I don't understand how people will make mistakes and when a cop turns them in, it's the cop's fault. They're just doing their job! So now he has a DUI on his record. And honestly, it's turning me off a little. Aprille and I were talking last night and we confessed to driving while being really buzzed that once we get home, we wonder how did we get home. But we don't do that anymore. I know my limit, and I will not drive if I can't. And when I drink, I will drive overly responsible. Last night, I had 2 drinks and 2 shots. Driving home, I saw about 5 cops. I drove the speed limit. I signaled for every turn. I didn't switch lanes too much. I got home safe without getting pulled over. And just be smart about it. It's a 3 day weekend, you should know that there will be LOTS of cops out there during the holidays. So maybe CJ was right last night. He was pretty drunk and "Just a Friend" was playing. So he kept singing it to me asking if he is just a friend. Maybe it will be better if he and I just stay friends. But who knows what will happen.

His Status

Not sure what prompted me to go on his facebook, but when I saw that he was signed on in facebook, I felt like I needed to clicked on his profile. I'm pretty sure I'm over him. Actually, I loathe him. I can't believe I ever dated him. But I noticed that he just changed his status to single and he still has our pictures posted in his album. Not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. Yea I hate him, but also I feel sorry for him. What I learned about him, he will never grow up. He will always depend on his parents and probably work in the casino all his life. Deep down I wish that he's hung up on me and regrets he broke up with me. I highly doubt it but that's what everyone things when they get dumped right? Eh whatever. I'm talking to another guy right now. It's a weird feeling dating someone right away. I usually stay single for a long time before actually meeting someone I like. Who knows where this will go. He seems he's really into me. It feels good not to chase a guy for once. Even though I like to chase guys, I've learned from these past few guys I've dated that I SHOULDN'T chase guys. This guy will text or call me without me asking him to. He's the one who invites me to go out all the time. He's also a great singer! The only thing about him is he talks a lot. It's cool that we can hold a conversation, but when I'm tired, I get more tired listening to him talk. Another iffy thing about him is his choice of degree. He wants to study philosophy, which is cool to follow your passion, but seriously. What can you do with that degree? But what I learned about him is that since he served his time in the military, once he gets his degree, he can learn to be a pilot which is what he really wants to do with his life. Maybe I'm just picking at his faults cuz I've been hurt so many times I don't want to fall for another guy and risk getting hurt again. We'll see where this goes.

Vicks Cures All

A couple of days ago, I woke up with this aching red bump near my bottom lip. I felt like my lip was a bit swollen too. As the days went by, the bump grew and hurt more. I thought it was a cold sore since it was near my lip. But it also looked like a pimple or a bug bite. So I didn't know what it was. I told my mom about it and asked if she knew what it was. She said she gets them sometimes and to just put vicks vapor rub on it. What?! Are you sure?! My mom thinks vicks cures everything. Every time I tell her I have something, she says to just put on some vicks and it'll go away soon. She reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where they believe windex cures everything too. I was so worried about having a cold sore and wanting it to go away as soon as possible that I went to walgreens today to ask the pharmacist if I have a cold sore or not. Even though it's not a cold sore, I'm still going into hiding. This pimple or bug bite is hideous. I have a date tomorrow but I'm canceling it since the fam bam is coming down from California and staying at my house. I wanted to stay home this weekend anyways. So I'm just using this opportunity to take some r&r. The boy understands so it's all good. Besides, I don't want him to see me with this nasty bump on my lip.

I'm Not the Same...Yet

I really don't understand how Jason could have this much affect on me. I've been so down lately since the breakup that everyone are noticing that I'm not the bubbly upbeat person anymore. Not everyone at work knows what happened so they'll come up to me and ask me to smile or if I'm ok. Which makes it worst for me cuz I have to put on a smile and say 'yea everything is fine.' I'm trying to be the same person I was before I met Jason and while I was with him, but I can't. I just woke up this morning angry because I had a dream about him where it was like the night we had dinner and he was a total douche bag towards me. I thought I've moved on but I guess I got hurt more than I realized. I have the best friends who will keep me company and ask me how I'm doing and try to cheer me up. I'm greatful for them. Well, it has only been a week since we've broken up so I guess I'm asking too much of myself to get over him already. People keep telling me it takes about half the time we were together to get over someone. So am I supposed to feel crappy for a month and a half? I hate this transition.

Moving on Up

The past few days I've been looking at houses again. At first I was hesitant to look since the main reason I even considered buying a house was so I can move out and have Jason and I be together alone. But since we broke up on Friday, I thought maybe I could just live at home for awhile. But when I started looking, I realized that maybe it is time I move out. I'm almost 25 and I should learn to grow up now. Learn how to balance my expenses, cook, clean, and such. Hell, if it doesn't work out, I can always move back home and just rent out the place. But looking at houses did take my mind off of the loss of my relationship. When I get home though, I think about him and I'd still go on his facebook to see if he changed his status. As of right now, he still hasn't. Which I'm sure he won't for awhile since he's busy with his two jobs and trying to fit in working out. I don't know why I care so much. I'm sure he doesn't think about me. I bet he's relieved he got rid of me so he has more time to be with his friends and do nothing. I need someone who is emotional mature and is going to be with me for the long haul. For now, it is singlehood again. It sucks but I have no choice. Maybe I should take up on Jill's mom's offer of this cute accountant. But I hate getting set up, but you never know.

The Break Up

Thursday night, Angela and Jill both three wayed me and I knew instantly something was up. Apparently my suspicions were correct. Jason told Matt that he was going to break up with me this weekend and Kelly overheard him and told Angela who then told Jill and me. I was told that Jason doesn't want to be serious with me. Which got me confused because he was the one who chased me for 2 weeks and asked me to be his girlfriend right away. I was the one who asked him to slow down because I felt like we were moving too fast. And I was also told that the only reason why he asked me to be his girlfriend right away was so I wouldn't sleep with anyone else. How selfish and immature is that? He wasted my time and played with my emotions. He told me he was a relationship guy and doesn't like to date around. He should just stick to dating casually then. I was so angry and heartbroken when I heard this that after I got off the phone with them, I texted Kelly for more answers. And she told me that he is really selfish and immature and she hates him. She is glad that I won't be dating him anymore.

So Friday comes along, and the plan was to go clubbing at Jet and break it off with Jason right after. Jill and I rode together since I asked if I could spend the night at her house. I thought that I would be too devastated to drive all the way home by myself. So her whole goal was to get me good and drunk that night. But I decided that it would be best for me not to so I won't get too emotional. I had a good time hanging out with everyone. The only reason why I agreed to come out was because Tiff was in town from Hawaii. We decided to go to Ellis Island after clubbing to hang out for a bit and while I was there, Jason keeps texting and calling me. Asking how was the club and that he was going home already. As he texted me, I was asking Kelly what's going on at home. She was telling me when he got home and what he was doing. I decided to not answer him and let him wait. He left me hanging all week by not talking to me, so why talk to him right?

Around 2:30 am, we decided to just get it done with. Jill and Tiff dropped me off and waited outside. I told them I'll only take ten minutes. So I grab my bag with me so he thinks I don't know we're breaking up. I called him to let me in and he said he kept calling me. And I said, yea I know. I was busy talking to my friends. I get in the house and quickly say hi to Matt and Kelly and tell him let's go upstairs.

As we sat in his room, I say we need to talk and he said that I read his mind. Then a few seconds of silence. Then he asked where do I see this relationship going? And I said, well I thought it was going to be for awhile, but I realized that we wouldn't work. He said that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but realized that he wasn't. I told him that I didn't really appreciate him wasting my time and how he treated me this whole week. He was acting really immature and was really rude towards me. He appologized for acting that way and for hurting me. And I accused him of still being in love with his ex girlfriend because he would always talk about her and he confirmed he still has feelings for her but they aren't the type where he would go back to his ex. I told him I realized we wouldn't be able to work because he doesn't know what he really wants in life. I need someone who knows what he wants to do with his life. Someone who I believe will be my future. And he agreed that this is his fault and that I didn't do anything wrong and I agreed I didn't do anything wrong. I told him he needs to get his shit together if he ever wants to be in another relationship. Then he said that asking him to pick me up was so unreasonable because I was so far away. And I told him that when we were dating, he was willing to pick me up. And he said he only did that to show that he really liked me. And then he said that just because we got together doesn't mean he liked me less and then he brought up the money issue. I told him I was willing to come over to his house and I too have bills to pay. I just felt like he was making too many excuses and while we were talking Jill beeped her horn and I immediately texted her almost done. I wrapped it up by grabbing my stuff and giving his stuff too. We hugged goodbye and he said that hopefully when I'm not too angry with him we can still be friends. I told him maybe. Right now, I still miss him at times and I'm still a little angry at him. I am kinda annoyed that he wanted me to come over so he can break up with me. That's fucked up for him to make me drive all the way to his house just to break up with me. But he did treat me well until this past week. Kelly tainted his memory with all the shit he does at home, but in my heart and in my mind, he was a good boyfriend. I just met him at the wrong time. But I'm not sure if I'll be friends with him later. I tend not to keep in touch with ex boyfriends.

3 Month Curse

Wow. What a difference a week can make. Looks like I am single once again. It seems like I can't seem to get past 3 months in a relationship. I blame it on Shawn since he is 2 for 2. The last two boyfriends seem to end within a week or two right after he meets them on his birthday. I will not bring a boyfriend to his birthday next year.

It seems like my relationship with Jason changed so drastically that everyone thought I was pulling an April fools on them when I confided in them my relationship was on the rocks. Mainly because just two weeks ago, we were really affectionate towards each other at Shawn's birthday.

Last Friday, we went out to dinner with a few friends of mine and then we watched a movie at his place after. I made a mistake of telling him that I was falling for him. I didn't mean that I am necessarily in love with him. I just felt like I'm developing stronger feelings for him than I had when we initially started dating. This triggered his unusual behavior towards me.

He was supposed to come over on Sunday since I didn't come over Saturday. When I texted him after work, he said he was at his friend's house moving stuff around and won't be done til later. He will come over after if it's not too late. He texted me at the end of the day saying he's done but since it's late, we'll catch a movie on Monday after work.

So Monday comes, and I text him good morning. He mentioned it's his friend's birthday dinner and asked if I want to come. I said sure and asked for the details which he said he'd give me later. We stopped talking since I was at work. I texted him after work asking for details but no reply. So I called him around 7 and then texted him because I know dinner is at 8 but I don't know where. He texted me a half an hour later the directions and said to be there by 8. I asked him if he could pick me up and he said he couldn't, and he said, "you don't have to go, I'm just letting you know about it." That text caught me off guard. It was so rude. I was waiting in the parking lot for 45 minutes because he was late and he was acting like a jerk to me throughout dinner. I said my goodbyes to everyone and to him and told him to call me tomorrow. He jokingly said no, but he didn't call me. Our only conversation on Tuesday was me initiating the good night text.

We didn't communicate for two days. Then Thursday comes and I texted him good morning. I needed to know if I'm sleeping at his house on Friday. So I asked if he still wants me to sleep over and he said sure. So I'm excited that everything is ok with him. He was just busy. Well I was wrong. Since this is a really long story, I'll "break up" the entries. No pun intended. ;)

Douche Alert

The plan was to all meet at Jae's party then go straight to Jason's house right after. We were going to have a good time at Jae's. Ann got there about 5 minutes before me. The moment I got to the party I search the room for Jae. I gave him a hug and at the corner of my eye a hand comes near me to get a high five. I reached up to give this mysterious hand a high five when I realized who's hand it was.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"Of all the things, you ask what the fuck you doing here?"

I race towards Ann and ask if she had any idea that Sinn was coming. She didn't. I automatically tell Jill that Sinn is at the party and we won't be seeing her anymore. Now that Jill and Sinn aren't together anymore, I can clearly see what a douche bag he truely is. Ann, Veronica, and I felt so awkward at the party with him there that we left a half an hour later. The three of us decided to grab something to eat at Chinatown with our boyfriends. It's funny that all six of us drove our own cars. And it made me smile to see Jason getting alone with them. He and Jay especially were able to hold a conversation, even if it was about cars.

No More Being MIA

I've been MIA from all the get togethers for awhile now. Mainly because I'd rather be with Jason than see people I've known for awhile now. That's what happens in a new relationship anyways. I told myself I wouldn't do that, but it happened so fast that I didn't realize I've been MIA until Eddie told me I was. This weekend, I decided to cancel my movie night with Jason on Friday to go to Lavo with the homies. I felt really sad that I had to tell him I wasn't coming over. And Jill told me to stop being a baby since I'll be seeing him on Saturday and Sunday anyways. The night started out around 10pm at the Palazzo's parking lot. Try finding your friends when you all have T-Mobile and no one has reception. Yea, it sucked. When we were finished playing hide and seek, we get into Lavo with it being open bar for all vodka drinks. By the time it was 1 am, some of us were ready to call it a night. You know you're old when you want to call it a night at 1 am. I wanted to go to Jason's but he was at a pool hall with his friends. He asked me to come over, but I was exhausted and was a little buzzed. I didn't want to think on how to get there. And he texted me when he got home and I think I was drunk because I don't remember texting him until I saw them the next morning. I shouldn't text when I'm drunk and sleeping. So instead of going all out, I should ease into getting back into the night life.

Period Inducing Panties

So this whole month, Jason and I have been walking on egg shells. We weren't sure if we made a mistake or not. We had a talk about what would happen if I was pregnant. He said he's not ready to be a father, and I'm not ready to be a mother. But if I did get pregnant, it'll be hard for me to actually get an abortion. So, I've been waiting for my period to start and when it didn't, I got really nervous. If I was pregnant, I know Jason will be really angry because he asked me to take the morning after pill and I refused. I was supposed to get my period yesterday and I got a little nervous when it didn't come since I'm usually regular and on time. The past 3 months, I saw a pattern when I got my period. It's usually when I'm wearing these pink and white stripped underwear from Victoria's Secret. So this morning, I figured, I might as well give it a try. So after showering, I put on the pink and white underwear, and pray that I get my period today. Right before my lunch, I noticed some spotting and I got really excited. I've never gotten really excited to get my period before. So that's 'Victoria's Secret' to their pink and white underwear, they induce periods. You haven't failed me yet.

Clingy

Lately I've been showing signs of a clingy girlfriend and I hate it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been wanting to be with Jason all the time. I tried avoiding this by not getting too close to him too fast, but when I like someone, I fall fast and hard. I hate that feeling because it usually ends with me getting hurt. And nobody wants to get hurt right? And I need to also stop acting like a brat when I don't get my way.
Last Tuesday, I asked him to come to the movies with me because I missed him a lot. He was going to be on my side of town anyways. And he said he couldn't, cuz since he missed lunch with his dad, he had to see his dad on Wednesday. But I kept bugging him and he said he'll try. Wednesday, he didn't say yes or no to me, so after work I called him and said don't even bother coming to the movies with me. My friend will just go with me instead. My friend is a guy. He sounded a little disappointed and I told him to call me after the gym since he was with his friend getting his car. He called me 20 minutes later after he got his car to tell me he misses me and was being all lovey dovey. It made me feel better that he admited he missed me but I also felt bad for going to the movies with another guy. The whole time I was in the movies, I kept thinking of him.
Last night I asked if he wanted to go to a lounge with me for my friend's birthday and he said no. I kept bugging him to come because my friends want to meet him. So today, I texted him saying I was sorry for trying to pressure him into going to the lounge with me especially since he got mad at his friend for doing the same thing when he's tight on money. He said he's not mad but I think he was a little annoyed that I keep trying to get him to do stuff when he's really broke. But then he invited me to his friend's birthday party which I felt like I invited myself to. But he reassured me he wants me to come. I need to start going out with friends so I won't suffocate Jason. Cuz I feel like I am and I really am not like this. lol.

Joint Custody

My weekends have always been pretty hectic. I'm always booked way before the weekend even starts. And this was when I was single. Add in a boyfriend and now I have to try to and squeeze in as much time with different people in so little time because everyone knows I never go out during the week. For the 4 days I'm off for New Years, I already had a schedule of who I was going to hang out with ahead of time. Then Aprille texts me New Years day which was Thursday and her day.

Ape: Hey, can we just hang out on Friday night instead of tonight? These [Guam] people are being party poopers.
me: I can't hang out Friday, I'm seeing Jason.
Ape: Can you see him tonight instead and see me Friday?
me: Let me ask if he is cool with switching days with you.

[Goes and asks Jason if he's ok with switching days with Aprille]

me: Ape, so Jason is ok with it. He has custody of me tonight, and you have custody of me Friday and Saturday.

I'm glad Jason is so understanding. I told him that I don't want to disappear on my friends just because I have a boyfriend like I did in the past. To prevent me from disappearing, I've given Jason my rest days [Fridays] so I can hang out with him since Saturdays is when I see my friends. Sundays will always be for my family.

Too Little, Too Late

"It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)"
- Jojo

While I was in California, Andrew texted me twice back to back.
"Hey! I hear you're still mad at me. Just wanted to see how you are doing. It was never my intention to hurt you. I hope you are doing ok. If I don't hear from you, I understand"
"Hey! I ran into Shawn last night and I just wanted to see how you are doing. Hope you are doing ok!"

I didn't want to text him back. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I am all right and he can clear his conscious of how he treated me. It's been a year and a half which means it's too late to apologize. He just wants to hear that I'm doing alright so he can sleep at night. But I think the stress of my cousin passing away and lack of sleep made me reply 5 hours later, "I'm fine. Thanks." He was shocked that I replied and asked why it took so long so I told him I was in California for my cousin and he sent his condolences. And I said goodnight. Today he asked how I was doing and I didn't reply this time. I really don't want to be friends with him. He had to go through Shawn to finally text me? I know he asks about me sometimes through Jill but why now? What does he want? I don't have time for little boys and I don't appreciate him texting me like he cares. If you don't intend on hurting the girls you date, then don't play them! A player will not care if they hurt someone or not. So don't tell me you're intentions were never to hurt me because I don't believe you! I'm not bitter. I just wont get fooled twice. I was also a bit annoyed that Shawn and Andrew were talking about me. I politely asked Shawn to never talk about me with Andrew if he runs into him again. It annoys me that Shawn loves Andrew so much that he compares every guy I date to him but I can't make him forget Andrew. Just don't rub it in my face because I know the real Andrew and if you're really my friend, you'd take my side.

Officially Single...Unfortunately

So Sunday night I officially became single. Eric called me around 7pm like I asked him to. He was usually good on his word when it comes to calling.
me: Hey
him: Hey
me: so what's going on?
him: nothing.
me: what's on your mind?
him: nothing
me: no. what's on your mind about us?

And that's when it started. He says he feels like it's not working between us. He says it's only been 3 months and he already feels us growing distant. It's not WE who are growing distant, it's you! You're the one who wont drop the argument. Of course, that's his invitation to bring up Jill again. He says that ever since I told him the truth of how Jill felt the first time she saw him, he couldn't move past that feeling of rejection. And then he accuses me of caring about what people think of me. I tell him I could care less of what people think of me. I know a few people who hate me because of the way I look and act, but it doesn't matter to me. Then he goes on about how I don't know when to drop things. He says that I kept asking him to change his relationship status on myspace. I never told him this because I didn't think of it until we hung up, but the reason why I kept asking him to was because he said he was going to change it and I never saw him follow through on it. And then he says I'm too social for him. He says when I hang out with people, I bring a large group of friends. I told him that the only reason there's a large group of us is because it's usually someone's birthday. I rarely hang out with a large group. I'm usually with a few girlfriends doing a girl's night out. Then he says that he feels like I'm showing him off. What does that mean? He says that the one night I took him out, he felt like I was showing him off. First of all, no I wasn't. I wanted him to meet a few of my friends. And second, they were excited to meet him because we've been dating for a couple of months now and have never seen him. He accused me of forcing him to go when he didn't feel like going. Again, I wanted him to follow through on his promise. He told me he'd go and I think it's important to keep your word. I'm not apologizing for that. I told him that his temper and negativity was what made me realize we weren't good for each other. His little outburst the first day of his job scared me. He was lost yes, but I was helping him with the directions already. He didn't have to keep yelling and cursing about how he knew he was going the wrong way but still continued on with the directions he was given. I told him that I've been reevaluating our relationship since then and that this made it easier for me to end it. Then he goes on saying how he's sorry he hurt me and that maybe if I forgive him we can still be friends. And that maybe we can see each other in two weeks when he's here for the day. I told him maybe. He even suggest that if we're friends by then, we can go camping in the summer. I'd rather go camping with my boyfriend. I told him that the one thing I'll miss was our conversations. We had the best conversations and none of them felt forced. We were able to hold conversations for hours everyday and that's rare to find. And he agreed. And that's when it turned around. We admit we still care for each other. And it would be in our best interest just to end it now so neither one of us gets hurt down the line. We civilly ended our relationship and ended up talking for an hour and a half more as friends. We were even laughing. What type of break up was this?? I told him this was the best break up I've ever had. How can we go from arguing and breaking up to just laughing and possibly seeing this turning into a friendship?

I still miss him. I miss his daily calls. His daily texts. His sweet good night texts. But I know this is for the best. Right now I don't mind his late hours and only seeing him once a week. But I know I'll resent him later. This is for the best and I'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but I know I'll be okay eventually. But who knows, maybe once he's established and settled down, our hearts can meet again. He'll always be a part of me because no one ever forgets their first.

Dun Dun Dun

So I'm still up pretty early. I woke up at 4am today then I went back to sleep only to wake up a little before 7 because I can't sleep anymore. The stress of this relationship is taking a toll on my body. I feel a sore throat coming on. My sleep is being interrupted. I text Eric last night before bed asking if he's off on Sunday and there was response. Today is the day we're supposed to talk about us. I have a feeling he's going to take the immature route and not even call me. I have a feeling he's going to either ignore me till next week, or call me at the last second today. He probably doesn't want to call me so he can hear me cry. To know he's the reason I've been crying all week and loosing sleep.

A part of me just wants us to take a break and maybe pick up where we left off when he comes home in May. But another part of me wants to just break it off because he can never give me what I want in a relationship. I'm not a needy girl who needs to see her boyfriend everyday. But I do want to be acknowledged everyday at least through text. I want to know how his day went even if it's just through a few texts everyday. That's why I was okay with his long hours. He would make time to call or text me. But the one thing he can't give me and I'm sure I'll find in a different guy. Being open minded to do new things. Eric is like an old man. He's set in his ways and is not willing to change. Eric is so negative towards everything that I get frustrated even suggesting something. That's the one thing I wont miss about Eric. His negativity and his short temper. I think ever since his birthday outbursts in LA, I was reevaluating our relationship and I think deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work. His short temper reminds me of my dad and it's what I despise in my dad. When my parents were fighting yesterday, all I could think of was Eric and how if we do go on with this relationship, I'll be like my mother, saying he'll never change and threatening to leave him.

So, hurry up Eric and call me. Let's end this relationship. I've already accepted it and mourned all week for the loss of this relationship. I just want to say that it's not me who is being immature, it's you. You're the one who's not open minded enough to accept other people's opinions and not let it affect you. You're the one who doesn't want to drop it. And you're the one who's using this fight as an excuse to break up with me. You're not as mature as you think you are.

You once told me you feel like you're not supposed to be happy. But I think it's because when you feel a hint of happiness, you take a step back and you intentionally ruin it for yourself. I don't think you want to be happy. I think you want to shelter yourself from happiness because you know you can't stay happy forever and you're afraid you'll get hurt. Everyone has a right to be happy and just because you might get hurt, that feeling of happiness is always worth it. I know you were starting to feel happy. I heard it in your voice when I would talk to you. I saw your face light up from time to time. It's just too bad you ruined something so good between us.

If only I'll be brave enough to tell him all these things without getting choked up. I was never one to talk about my feelings without crying. When Mallory came over on Friday, I was okay until she would ask me how I was feeling and then the water works would come with that simple question. I haven't been this emotional in awhile and I hate it.

What I'll Miss

So my body doesn't realize that I'll be single soon. I've been waking up earlier and earlier each day thinking that Eric will give me my usual morning call. It hurts more and more thinking it's finally over. Tomorrow is supposedly the day we're going to break up. As I'm writing this, I can't believe I'm awake before 7am on a Saturday. Eric usually calls me around 6:30am everyday right before he goes to work, even on the weekends. I'm thankful for my friends who keep trying to comfort me in this time in need. A lot of my friends have never seen my emotional side because I try to hide the pain I feel.

What I'll miss the most is the chemistry and the connection Eric and I had. We were complete opposites and yet we were able to hold a conversation for hours on end everyday. It's hard to find a guy who will talk to you for five minutes, let alone a few hours. He and I would talk about anything and everything. I will miss the Friday nights cuddling and massage sessions. Even though he wasn't the best person who gave massages, his efforts were cute. He was just a big dork at heart and I'll miss that. But I realize more that we were never meant to be. I saw him for who he was and it's definitely not what I want in a boyfriend. The second night he was in LA, he got lost and he called me. He was getting furious because his friend gave him the wrong directions so he kept yelling while he was on the phone with me. He wasn't yelling at me, he was just yelling to express how angry he was that he couldn't get home. You know that saying that women date men who are similar to their fathers. His short temper and his desire to not be social is definitely how my father acts. But his strong worth ethics and his do it yourself attitude is what made me see the qualities I enjoy seeing in my father.

Sometimes I feel that I'm okay with the break up and I'll be fine. Then I'll randomly just cry out of nowhere and realize that I'm still in deep like with him. Some people say he's making this fight about judging people as an excuse to just break up with me. It seems like it but I don't want to taint our relationship. Even though it wasn't a long one, it was definitely one for the books. He made the beginning of 2008 memorable for me and that's how I want to remember it.