High Expectations

When I was in SCM, it was our job to reject products that didn't follow policy in order to make every release consistent. We needed to whip people in shape into following directions. It was out job to point out what went wrong and how to correct it. The main culprits were game developers. They never followed the rules. Their main goal was to get their products out as fast as possible even if it didn't follow policy. When I transfered to game dev, everyone has high expectations of me. Everyone expects me to have my games perfect since I know the rules, since I enforced the rules. I was talking to a director and he joked around saying he can't wait for SCM to reject my game. It's so hard to live up to those expectations but it's all in good fun. We all know that everyone makes mistakes. I've even publicly acknowledged my mistakes when I realized them when I was in SCM.
In other news, I really love my new position. My new coworkers were so accepting of me and really helpful. Everyone I interact with are around my age so we have a lot in common. Kyle was right. People make me happy, not the job. I like interacting with people and in game dev, I'm constantly interacting with many people. People will stop by my cube to talk to me every so often. It's nice to find a job that I truly enjoy. For now. ;) lol The plus is that I don't have to see Ed anymore.

You're the Only One

Of all the people I've loved and lost, you're the only one I constantly think about. You're the only one who I dream about. And you're the only one who makes me want to make something of myself because I now realize we never know when our time is up. I had a dream about you last night. It was like in the movies when someone passes away, the movie will replay the person's life and show how happy the person was throughout their lifetime. That's what played in my dream. I saw the good times we had growing up together and right before I woke up, the "video" type dream showed you laughing and smiling in slow motion as a finale of the film. It was bittersweet waking up to that. Maybe it's you telling me you are in a happy place now. Since you've passed, I've been contemplating more about life and I will definitely start living life and not take it for granted. You're my inspiration.

Too Little, Too Late

"It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)"
- Jojo

While I was in California, Andrew texted me twice back to back.
"Hey! I hear you're still mad at me. Just wanted to see how you are doing. It was never my intention to hurt you. I hope you are doing ok. If I don't hear from you, I understand"
"Hey! I ran into Shawn last night and I just wanted to see how you are doing. Hope you are doing ok!"

I didn't want to text him back. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I am all right and he can clear his conscious of how he treated me. It's been a year and a half which means it's too late to apologize. He just wants to hear that I'm doing alright so he can sleep at night. But I think the stress of my cousin passing away and lack of sleep made me reply 5 hours later, "I'm fine. Thanks." He was shocked that I replied and asked why it took so long so I told him I was in California for my cousin and he sent his condolences. And I said goodnight. Today he asked how I was doing and I didn't reply this time. I really don't want to be friends with him. He had to go through Shawn to finally text me? I know he asks about me sometimes through Jill but why now? What does he want? I don't have time for little boys and I don't appreciate him texting me like he cares. If you don't intend on hurting the girls you date, then don't play them! A player will not care if they hurt someone or not. So don't tell me you're intentions were never to hurt me because I don't believe you! I'm not bitter. I just wont get fooled twice. I was also a bit annoyed that Shawn and Andrew were talking about me. I politely asked Shawn to never talk about me with Andrew if he runs into him again. It annoys me that Shawn loves Andrew so much that he compares every guy I date to him but I can't make him forget Andrew. Just don't rub it in my face because I know the real Andrew and if you're really my friend, you'd take my side.

Not Taking Any Chances

My mom says it was meant to be. I call it a coincidence. Whatever you call it, I'm not taking any chances. Two weeks ago for Memorial Day weekend I went to California to see the new additions to dad's side of the family. I was there all weekend and enjoyed my stay since I haven't seen them since my grandma's 1 year death anniversary. When I got back home, I was too lazy to unpack my bag and it stayed on my floor for a week. Little did I know that I'll be using the contents of that bag a week later. Interesting enough, what was left in my bag were two black shirts. My mom said it was meant to be that I go back to California for PJ's funeral. I got back into town yesterday morning and I am not taking any chances. I unpacked my bags, put away my clean clothes, and placed the bag in the closet. This is one sign I don't want to repeat the results. We are trying to break our bad luck. It seems that every time something good happens in our lives, the complete opposite happens. We didn't wear black for his funeral. We celebrated his life and we are hoping this will be the last time we say good bye to a loved one for a long time. Rest in peace dear cousin.

You Got Your Three

You know the saying, "people die in threes?" Well God, you got your three, so please leave my family alone for awhile. I can't believe in 16 months, we've lost 3 people in my family. First you take our matriarch and her brother, but you had to take my cousin. He was only 24 years old. No I am not mad at you. I know you have a plan for all of us. I'm just shocked that it happened. He was the first cousin to die but looking at all the people who came to my aunt's house and his viewing, he was very well loved. Everyone showed my family their condolences and expressed how much PJ made an impact in their lives. He was such a caring guy that was able to relate to everyone, young and old. I rarely see grown men cry but the guys I saw crying over my cousin were guys you'd probably be scared of if you've seen them out in the streets.
I just want to say that I love you PJ and we will see each other again. Every time I eat sinigang, I'll think of when we were young and we used to fight over the vegetables. And I'll always remember that face you make whenever you try to make me remember "step step bow." You always made me smile and I'm glad you are now in a better place. I'll miss you forever. Tell Mamang and Papang I said Hi and I miss them too.