Damn You Blue Skates Girl!

So I was minding my own business at the skating rink when all of a sudden I hear a scream and I got knocked down. I go flying up in the air and I landed flat on my ass. I guess it's a good thing I have some extra baggage in the trunk to cushion my fall. As I am holding my lower back rubbing it to ease the pain, I looked at who knocked me down. The first thing I noticed was the blue wheels on her blue skates. Then I looked up to see this teenage girl trying to apologize to me telling me that it was her friend's fault for letting her go. I tell her I'm ok, but I really am not. I wanted to say, "I'm old! I don't recover as fast as you!" But I just got up and skated on my merrily little way while holding onto my back. Yea I totally did the "old person getting back up while rubbing their back" move. I'll be hurting tonight, tomorrow, and the next day. At least I got some exercise today.

Go Green!

Is it me or is going green too trendy? The government has always been urging people to recycle and conserve energy for as long as I can remember. But ever since celebrities have become aware of the benefits of caring for the Earth and their impact on the lives of their fans, it has become too trendy. Everywhere I turn, there's a commercial or a website about going green. I was watching TLC last night and they were talking about having a channel for the sole purpose of helping everyone go green. It's so trendy that it might be getting out of hand. Yes, I care about the Earth. Yes, I want to have clean air and water but it just seems that people are going too far and are capitalizing on something that we've been doing for years just because a celebrity says to do it. So go ahead and go green if you want, but I'll just stick to my own routine of conserving energy, water, and gas and try to recycle whenever I can. You may call it going green, I call it a routine.

Self Curse

I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I don't knock on wood enough. But whenever I say "I never..." or "I don't...", it actually does happen to me. Take for instance, a few years ago, I was talking to a friend and I said, "I've never gotten a speeding ticket." Low and behold, a few days later, I got pulled over for not only speeding, but for running a red light and no seat belt.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm working with my mom at the park catering my aunt's college reunion when I decided I want to try and get a tan. If you know me, I can barely get a hint of a tan. But I was outdoors for 5 plus hours so I was bound to get some type of color on this pale colored skin of mines. My aunt suggested I wear sun block because she thought I'll get sun burned since I'm so fair skinned. My response? "I don't get sunburned." Yea, I don't get sunburned my ass. After 5 hours outside, I was red as a lobster. And now my shoulders and my chest are kicking me in the ass for cursing myself. I think this is my second sunburn and the first time doesn't even count. It was just my nose and it wasn't this bad. So from now on, I'm not going to say "I never..." or "I don't..." because there isn't enough wood out there for me to knock on to counteract the curse I put on myself.

A New Future?

Last night my cousin called me saying she was in town since her dad wanted to randomly come to Vegas. I told her that I called her dad a few days ago to see if he could do anything about my application for the county. She told me that he was meeting with Janet, his friend who works for county and that's when we both realized that this random trip to Vegas was because of me! He called me this morning saying that Janet can maybe do something since the position is in the IT department. Hopefully I'll be saying adios to my old job and hola to a new job in county. Pray that I get an interview and I wow them with my charm because we all know that I am not that qualified.

Leaving My Comfort Zone

The one thing I learned from Eric was learning to leave my comfort zone. He made me realize that I wasn't that happy with my current monotonous job and life. I haven't been satisfied for quite some time but I chose to stay only because I'm awaiting a promotion this year. But Eric made me realize that even if I get more money and more responsibilities, I'll still be unsatisfied. So I took the first step into leaving this comfortable life. I applied for a job for the county. I've always wanted a job in the government because of the awesome benefits and the chance for early retirement. Even though I wasn't really qualified, it took a lot for me to actually apply. I even called my uncle to see if he could push my application through or anything to give me a little advantage to my disadvantage qualifications. I really hope I do get this job because I'm ready for a change. New job, new life, and possibly a new man. Well not anytime soon of course, but when I'm ready to let go of Eric.

I Don't Need to Know This

When I told Jill that Eric and I were breaking up, the first thing she said was she was sorry. The second thing she said was, I had a feeling it wouldn't last. Then she goes on to tell me that she and our friends were talking about us at a friend's party that I didn't attend. And they were talking about how they didn't like Eric and that they wish I was still with Andrew. Granted, they just want what's best for me but I really didn't appreciate them judging Eric after one meeting or not even meeting him at all. I don't really appreciate that they bring up Andrew to me. Do they not remember what he put me through? Did they forget how immature he was for going through this 6 month relationship and still not wanting to be exclusive. Granted it was partially my fault for sticking through it, but he didn't have the balls to end it when it was going too far. Why date someone for that long if you really don't have any intentions of being exclusive? I had to step up and save my heart from heartbreak. Now I realize what Eric meant. She didn't have to tell me this even if it's the truth. Even though Eric and I aren't together anymore, I defended him to Jill. I don't think she appreciated me being so defensive with Eric since she never responded to my message of how he and I ended our relationship. I think after my relationship with Eric, I can see how I don't want to go back to my old life. I don't want to hang out with my old friends who still party and drink all the time. Is this me growing up? Well, actually Eric helped me keep my New Year's resolution. Just don't tell him that. I don't want him to get a big head.

Officially Single...Unfortunately

So Sunday night I officially became single. Eric called me around 7pm like I asked him to. He was usually good on his word when it comes to calling.
me: Hey
him: Hey
me: so what's going on?
him: nothing.
me: what's on your mind?
him: nothing
me: no. what's on your mind about us?

And that's when it started. He says he feels like it's not working between us. He says it's only been 3 months and he already feels us growing distant. It's not WE who are growing distant, it's you! You're the one who wont drop the argument. Of course, that's his invitation to bring up Jill again. He says that ever since I told him the truth of how Jill felt the first time she saw him, he couldn't move past that feeling of rejection. And then he accuses me of caring about what people think of me. I tell him I could care less of what people think of me. I know a few people who hate me because of the way I look and act, but it doesn't matter to me. Then he goes on about how I don't know when to drop things. He says that I kept asking him to change his relationship status on myspace. I never told him this because I didn't think of it until we hung up, but the reason why I kept asking him to was because he said he was going to change it and I never saw him follow through on it. And then he says I'm too social for him. He says when I hang out with people, I bring a large group of friends. I told him that the only reason there's a large group of us is because it's usually someone's birthday. I rarely hang out with a large group. I'm usually with a few girlfriends doing a girl's night out. Then he says that he feels like I'm showing him off. What does that mean? He says that the one night I took him out, he felt like I was showing him off. First of all, no I wasn't. I wanted him to meet a few of my friends. And second, they were excited to meet him because we've been dating for a couple of months now and have never seen him. He accused me of forcing him to go when he didn't feel like going. Again, I wanted him to follow through on his promise. He told me he'd go and I think it's important to keep your word. I'm not apologizing for that. I told him that his temper and negativity was what made me realize we weren't good for each other. His little outburst the first day of his job scared me. He was lost yes, but I was helping him with the directions already. He didn't have to keep yelling and cursing about how he knew he was going the wrong way but still continued on with the directions he was given. I told him that I've been reevaluating our relationship since then and that this made it easier for me to end it. Then he goes on saying how he's sorry he hurt me and that maybe if I forgive him we can still be friends. And that maybe we can see each other in two weeks when he's here for the day. I told him maybe. He even suggest that if we're friends by then, we can go camping in the summer. I'd rather go camping with my boyfriend. I told him that the one thing I'll miss was our conversations. We had the best conversations and none of them felt forced. We were able to hold conversations for hours everyday and that's rare to find. And he agreed. And that's when it turned around. We admit we still care for each other. And it would be in our best interest just to end it now so neither one of us gets hurt down the line. We civilly ended our relationship and ended up talking for an hour and a half more as friends. We were even laughing. What type of break up was this?? I told him this was the best break up I've ever had. How can we go from arguing and breaking up to just laughing and possibly seeing this turning into a friendship?

I still miss him. I miss his daily calls. His daily texts. His sweet good night texts. But I know this is for the best. Right now I don't mind his late hours and only seeing him once a week. But I know I'll resent him later. This is for the best and I'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but I know I'll be okay eventually. But who knows, maybe once he's established and settled down, our hearts can meet again. He'll always be a part of me because no one ever forgets their first.

Dun Dun Dun

So I'm still up pretty early. I woke up at 4am today then I went back to sleep only to wake up a little before 7 because I can't sleep anymore. The stress of this relationship is taking a toll on my body. I feel a sore throat coming on. My sleep is being interrupted. I text Eric last night before bed asking if he's off on Sunday and there was response. Today is the day we're supposed to talk about us. I have a feeling he's going to take the immature route and not even call me. I have a feeling he's going to either ignore me till next week, or call me at the last second today. He probably doesn't want to call me so he can hear me cry. To know he's the reason I've been crying all week and loosing sleep.

A part of me just wants us to take a break and maybe pick up where we left off when he comes home in May. But another part of me wants to just break it off because he can never give me what I want in a relationship. I'm not a needy girl who needs to see her boyfriend everyday. But I do want to be acknowledged everyday at least through text. I want to know how his day went even if it's just through a few texts everyday. That's why I was okay with his long hours. He would make time to call or text me. But the one thing he can't give me and I'm sure I'll find in a different guy. Being open minded to do new things. Eric is like an old man. He's set in his ways and is not willing to change. Eric is so negative towards everything that I get frustrated even suggesting something. That's the one thing I wont miss about Eric. His negativity and his short temper. I think ever since his birthday outbursts in LA, I was reevaluating our relationship and I think deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work. His short temper reminds me of my dad and it's what I despise in my dad. When my parents were fighting yesterday, all I could think of was Eric and how if we do go on with this relationship, I'll be like my mother, saying he'll never change and threatening to leave him.

So, hurry up Eric and call me. Let's end this relationship. I've already accepted it and mourned all week for the loss of this relationship. I just want to say that it's not me who is being immature, it's you. You're the one who's not open minded enough to accept other people's opinions and not let it affect you. You're the one who doesn't want to drop it. And you're the one who's using this fight as an excuse to break up with me. You're not as mature as you think you are.

You once told me you feel like you're not supposed to be happy. But I think it's because when you feel a hint of happiness, you take a step back and you intentionally ruin it for yourself. I don't think you want to be happy. I think you want to shelter yourself from happiness because you know you can't stay happy forever and you're afraid you'll get hurt. Everyone has a right to be happy and just because you might get hurt, that feeling of happiness is always worth it. I know you were starting to feel happy. I heard it in your voice when I would talk to you. I saw your face light up from time to time. It's just too bad you ruined something so good between us.

If only I'll be brave enough to tell him all these things without getting choked up. I was never one to talk about my feelings without crying. When Mallory came over on Friday, I was okay until she would ask me how I was feeling and then the water works would come with that simple question. I haven't been this emotional in awhile and I hate it.

What I'll Miss

So my body doesn't realize that I'll be single soon. I've been waking up earlier and earlier each day thinking that Eric will give me my usual morning call. It hurts more and more thinking it's finally over. Tomorrow is supposedly the day we're going to break up. As I'm writing this, I can't believe I'm awake before 7am on a Saturday. Eric usually calls me around 6:30am everyday right before he goes to work, even on the weekends. I'm thankful for my friends who keep trying to comfort me in this time in need. A lot of my friends have never seen my emotional side because I try to hide the pain I feel.

What I'll miss the most is the chemistry and the connection Eric and I had. We were complete opposites and yet we were able to hold a conversation for hours on end everyday. It's hard to find a guy who will talk to you for five minutes, let alone a few hours. He and I would talk about anything and everything. I will miss the Friday nights cuddling and massage sessions. Even though he wasn't the best person who gave massages, his efforts were cute. He was just a big dork at heart and I'll miss that. But I realize more that we were never meant to be. I saw him for who he was and it's definitely not what I want in a boyfriend. The second night he was in LA, he got lost and he called me. He was getting furious because his friend gave him the wrong directions so he kept yelling while he was on the phone with me. He wasn't yelling at me, he was just yelling to express how angry he was that he couldn't get home. You know that saying that women date men who are similar to their fathers. His short temper and his desire to not be social is definitely how my father acts. But his strong worth ethics and his do it yourself attitude is what made me see the qualities I enjoy seeing in my father.

Sometimes I feel that I'm okay with the break up and I'll be fine. Then I'll randomly just cry out of nowhere and realize that I'm still in deep like with him. Some people say he's making this fight about judging people as an excuse to just break up with me. It seems like it but I don't want to taint our relationship. Even though it wasn't a long one, it was definitely one for the books. He made the beginning of 2008 memorable for me and that's how I want to remember it.

We Need to Talk

So I get a text from Eric this morning saying "we need to talk." But not now. On his day off. Why not just get it over with. I know he wants to talk because he wants to break up with me. He tells me that we're in different places. He realized this when I told him that the first time Jill saw him at the party we met, she thought he was a bad boy and didn't like him. He says it was immature of me to tell him that. First of all, he brought it up. Second, what was I supposed to do? Lie? I don't lie to people I care about. I don't want this relationship to end. I care for Eric but it's a two way street and I'll just have to accept it. But I won't end it without a fight. I'm going to tell him how I really feel. If he's going to break up with me because of that, that's not very mature of him. He's not as mature as he makes himself out to be. So we've scheduled a day to talk and most likely break up. It'll be Sunday and I'll be a free girl unfortunately. I really don't want to break up but I must keep my dignity.

What a Coinkydink!

I'm tired of writing blogs about depressing stuff going on in my life. I never realized how hard a long distance relationship was until I became in one. I never realized how hard a relationship was period, until I became in one. But anyways, enough about my depressing sob stories. Just pray that it'll get better for me.

I was listening to the radio and they were talking about strange coincidences that seems to unreal to happen in real life. People called in talking about how they met someone randomly and now they are living happily ever after. People called in talking about how they randomly ran into an old friend in a strange place. My strange coincidence happened while I was in college. I usually went to school early and sat in the hallway outside my class to get some last minute studying. I was minding my own business focusing on my notes when I hear, "Are you Monica?" I look up at this girl who seems to recognize me. I blink a few times trying to rack my brain as to who this person was. Nope, no idea who she was. Then she says, "It's me! Thanh!" The only thing that came through my mouth was, "Oh my God." I haven't seen this girl since junior high and we lost touch. We tried keeping in touch our freshman year of high school but that didn't go so well. We had our own lives already and couldn't hold onto our past. We still talk about that incident when we reminisce about our past. Since Thanh has always been an introvert and a homebody, we always seem to loose touch. But when we do find each other, we are always able to pick up where we left off. The last time I saw her was two years ago, and I'm sure I'll see her one day again. We always seem to find each other.

Not April Fools

So I was going to play an April Fools joke on everyone yesterday and make it a fun day. Instead, April Fools wanted to play the joke on me. Instead of it being funny though, I ended up crying. Last night, Eric and I were just irritating the hell out if each other. It all started with me bringing up a good friend of mine. Awhile back I confessed to him that she hated him the first time she saw him at the party we first met because he looked like a bad boy. She was just being protective of me like a good friend and wanted the best for me. He was taken back by the prejudgment that he instantly said he hated her for that. Well last night was the last straw. We got into an argument of judging people and how he hates it when people prejudge you based on what you look like. Honestly, everyone does it. It's the people who act on their judgment and don't give anyone a chance who are pricks. After some disagreements, I didn't want to talk anymore. I was getting frustrated that he wasn't open minded that I gracefully surrendered my feelings towards prejudgment and said I'll just go to bed. We hung up and a second later he texts me asking if I was mad. Of course I was mad. He insulted my friend based on a prejudgment she made a few months ago in which she had confessed was wrong and has taken a liking to him without meeting him. After a few texts, he has agreed to be open minded and to meet her one day. It just seems that this distance between us is taking a toll on our relationship. He needs to come home soon or else the past two months of hard work will be worthless. I'm willing to fight for it but it's a two way street. I can't fight for two people.

Pressure Cruise

The more you pressure me into going, the more I'll say no. My family decided to go on a cruise to Mexico for the summer and it's such a good price too. I'd go in a heart beat if Jill would come with me but her work wouldn't let her take the time off so I'm not going. Now everyone keeps asking me to just go even though she couldn't come. The truth is, I'd never go with them by myself. I have a love/hate relationship with some of my family members. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but some of them I just can't stand. Ever since I can remember, some of my cousins think they can walk all over the younger cousins and belittle them just because they are older. And having to be with them for a whole weekend on a ship does not sound like a fun vacation. I'd rather save up my vacation time so I can go somewhere else with people I enjoy.

Abstinence

I was at the Nellis Air Force base with my family doing some grocery shopping. We entered through the food court and I all of a sudden got hungry. My aunt told me to buy something but I told her I can't eat fast food till Easter. And she said, "oh yea you're practicing abstinence." When she said that I thought she meant I'm practicing sexual abstinence. So I said, "oh no I'm not doing that, I gave up fast food."

Am I Selfish?

So I get the worst news a girl gets from her boyfriend today at 5pm. How can someone go from being extremely happy and excited to extremely sad within hours? Eric texted me saying he might be going to LA for a job and will be leaving on Sunday. Talk about bad timing since tomorrow is our one month anniversary and his birthday is next Thursday. He's been talking to people all day since the news so I have no idea what's going on. He says he's waiting for his boss at ufc to give him word that it's ok to go to LA and work. I know he'll be going to LA because he thinks it's a done deal but deep down I want her to tell him no. Am I being selfish that I want my boyfriend to be poor till his next job in May and stay here with me? I'm already crying and moping around preparing myself for two months of loneliness. But the good news is that our friend who introduced us will be in LA with him so at least he can watch over Eric. It's not that I don't trust him. I trust him completely, but just in case you know? Long distance is tough and I do hope everything works out for the best. I'll miss him so much. I hope 2 months passes by as quickly as the two months I've known him has. For now, you can find me in my room crying or maybe at a bar drinking. Either way I'll be counting down the days I see my boyfriend again.

My Wild Turkey Experience

So it was my friend Shawn's birthday on Saturday and I'd like to know what happened. I thought I was done getting drunk but since my lovely boyfriend was my designated driver and he gave me permission to get drunk, I took full advantage as I also did with him when we got to his place. Shawn's favorite drink is wild turkey even though it's the nastiest drink ever made. Well I guess it's not the nastiest, but it's pretty nasty without a chaser and I'm hardcore like that. I bought him a round to prove to him I can take it. Ever since we've met, he's been trying to get me to drink wild turkey and I kept refusing. Finally I gave in and took a shot with him without a chaser. Then I took 3 more shots of other alcohols and I was finished. I asked Eric to take me to his place so I can crash because I'm wasted. Next thing I know is I'm passed out on his bed and I'm trying to take advantage of my exhausted boyfriend. He was waiting hand and foot on me trying to get me water and making sure I won't oversleep while I'm trying to get him sleep with me. Apparently I'm really horny when I'm drunk and now he keeps teasing me about it. It was a pretty wild night and I'd like to remember more of it.

The V Word

Why does every guy run for their life when they hear a girl is a virgin? It's funny how we criticize grown women who are still virgins and are waiting for the one. Then we lie to ourselves on our wedding day and wear white when we all know that the bride is not a virgin. I had this huge crush on this guy last year and when he finally got the courage to kiss me, it was my birthday. He ended up taking me home because we all know the birthday celebrant has to get plastered on their birthday. Well one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up in his car and when it was time to do the deed, I sobered up and realized I was about to have sex with a guy I barely even know. I told him I didn't want to have sex because I'm a virgin and that was the last I heard of him. Now every time I see him at a party, he looks like he wants to say something to me but all I do is ignore him. He doesn't deserve my attention after the way he treated me.

Seems like history is repeating itself once again for me. Things are starting to heat up between me and Eric. We've been fooling around the past two weeks and I think I'm finally ready to have sex but I don't know how to drop the V bomb on him. From my past experiences, guys get freaked out and run for the door when they hear the word 'virgin'. I finally had the courage to tell Eric that I am indeed a virgin through text because the topic of number of partners came up while I was at work. I had to tell him zero. And I asked if he's turned off by it. His response? "Honestly, a little." Beat me down at my most vulnerable state. Then he says, "Well at least I know now not to put down nice sheets." Wow, what an insensitive thing to say. Even though I really wanted to have sex with him over the weekend, I told him let's wait a month before we have sex. He agreed and I told him that I want him to be more comfortable with the fact that I haven't had sex with anyone. After our conversation he went and took a nap and I called him after work. It's not the same anymore. At first I wish I didn't tell him that I was a virgin but at least now I know how he is. If he dumps me because it's too much to handle then he's not the person I thought he was. I told him in all fairness, I've fooled around with 3 guys. Well 4 including him. But at least I know I'm clean. When he had his whole herpes scare a few weeks ago, I stuck by him but he can't even stick by me for being a virgin and clean? How cruel is that. If he does dump me. Let's hope that he's different from the guys I've dated and accept the fact that I am a virgin. I am still the same person you liked yesterday.

Why Didn't He Call?

I was reading an article on MSN on reasons why even though you had a great date a few nights before, your date still hasn't called. It talked about that just because the guy hasn't called yet doesn't mean he's not that into you. He might have gotten tied up with something so don't worry too much about it. It's easier said then done. Women will always wonder why hasn't he called yet and if we're not good enough. It's in our nature.

When I first met Eric, he used to call me every other day until our second date. He didn't call me for almost 5 days and I got worried that he wasn't into me anymore. I panicked and started asking my guy friends advice based on our second date. That night, he texted me saying he was sorry for not calling lately because he's been working crazy hours and have been tired lately. So I was just overreacting but girls need closure. If a guy is not into me, I'd rather him tell me then leave me hanging. I hate all those 'what ifs' and if I'm told you're not into me, I can just move on faster.

The Unfamiliar

On Saturday my friend Rei celebrated his birthday at Lucille's and the default club for locals, the Lobby Club formally known as Whiskey. Everyone kept asking me if my boyfriend was coming and unfortunately I had to say no because he was working on Saturday. My friends were saying that it was weird asking about my boyfriend because they're not used to me having a boyfriend. I am the same way. I'm not used to saying I have a boyfriend. But Eric and I definitely became more comfortable as a couple and we instantly started acting like a couple.

On Friday, his friend was in town so he hung out with her while I was out with my girlfriends. He called me before meeting with his friend telling me where they were going. I texted him around midnight saying I was already home and he called me at 4 in the morning on his way home from his night. When I found out Rei wanted to go to the club after dinner, I asked Eric if he had a problem I was going to a club. His response? "No. Have fun. Just don't drink too much and no dudes ok?" My response? "I'm cutting back on my drinking already and I only dance with my girlfriends." He responded, "Well then, have fun!" I also texted him when I got home from the club. Funny how fast we were able to transition into being a couple.

Bar Food, Vibrators, and Thongs

Last night was the most random night I've had in a long time. I haven't had a girl's night in awhile so a few of my girl friends met up at a bar to have some happy hour cocktails and food. Everyone was gushing over the fact that I have a boyfriend now. You know how it is when you're in a new relationship. All my friends are really excited that I finally met someone after a couple of years of playing the field. Yea, Vegas men suck. It's hard to find a decent man in this city. Anyways, after everyone asking me questions about my relationship with Eric, my friend Mallory dropped some bad news on us. She broke up with her boyfriend of three years last week. She said he needs to grow up and get his life on track before they can be together. It's understandable. He doesn't have a car, he doesn't have that great of a credit, and he's always relying on her. So after dinner she and i were talking and she said she needs to find a rebound guy to have sex with since she's so used to getting laid everyday. But then she said she didn't want any emotional attachment to a guy so she said she wants to shop around to get a vibrator or a dildo. I've never been to a sex shop before so I was quite amazed as to all the varieties of dildos and vibrators they had. We were there for a good 30 minutes until she just bought one that looked nice and wasn't gigantic. After our little escapades at the sex shop we went to the Forums to do some shopping at Victoria's Secret and left with a bag full of panties. At the end of the night I told Mallory that her idea of me has changed now. Every time I see Mallory she says I have a drink but after last night, every time she sees me, she'll think of the night we bought a vibrator and some sexy panties. Talk about a sexy night but neither one of us got lucky. Well maybe one of us and it wasn't me.