High Expectations

When I was in SCM, it was our job to reject products that didn't follow policy in order to make every release consistent. We needed to whip people in shape into following directions. It was out job to point out what went wrong and how to correct it. The main culprits were game developers. They never followed the rules. Their main goal was to get their products out as fast as possible even if it didn't follow policy. When I transfered to game dev, everyone has high expectations of me. Everyone expects me to have my games perfect since I know the rules, since I enforced the rules. I was talking to a director and he joked around saying he can't wait for SCM to reject my game. It's so hard to live up to those expectations but it's all in good fun. We all know that everyone makes mistakes. I've even publicly acknowledged my mistakes when I realized them when I was in SCM.
In other news, I really love my new position. My new coworkers were so accepting of me and really helpful. Everyone I interact with are around my age so we have a lot in common. Kyle was right. People make me happy, not the job. I like interacting with people and in game dev, I'm constantly interacting with many people. People will stop by my cube to talk to me every so often. It's nice to find a job that I truly enjoy. For now. ;) lol The plus is that I don't have to see Ed anymore.

You're the Only One

Of all the people I've loved and lost, you're the only one I constantly think about. You're the only one who I dream about. And you're the only one who makes me want to make something of myself because I now realize we never know when our time is up. I had a dream about you last night. It was like in the movies when someone passes away, the movie will replay the person's life and show how happy the person was throughout their lifetime. That's what played in my dream. I saw the good times we had growing up together and right before I woke up, the "video" type dream showed you laughing and smiling in slow motion as a finale of the film. It was bittersweet waking up to that. Maybe it's you telling me you are in a happy place now. Since you've passed, I've been contemplating more about life and I will definitely start living life and not take it for granted. You're my inspiration.

Too Little, Too Late

"It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)"
- Jojo

While I was in California, Andrew texted me twice back to back.
"Hey! I hear you're still mad at me. Just wanted to see how you are doing. It was never my intention to hurt you. I hope you are doing ok. If I don't hear from you, I understand"
"Hey! I ran into Shawn last night and I just wanted to see how you are doing. Hope you are doing ok!"

I didn't want to text him back. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I am all right and he can clear his conscious of how he treated me. It's been a year and a half which means it's too late to apologize. He just wants to hear that I'm doing alright so he can sleep at night. But I think the stress of my cousin passing away and lack of sleep made me reply 5 hours later, "I'm fine. Thanks." He was shocked that I replied and asked why it took so long so I told him I was in California for my cousin and he sent his condolences. And I said goodnight. Today he asked how I was doing and I didn't reply this time. I really don't want to be friends with him. He had to go through Shawn to finally text me? I know he asks about me sometimes through Jill but why now? What does he want? I don't have time for little boys and I don't appreciate him texting me like he cares. If you don't intend on hurting the girls you date, then don't play them! A player will not care if they hurt someone or not. So don't tell me you're intentions were never to hurt me because I don't believe you! I'm not bitter. I just wont get fooled twice. I was also a bit annoyed that Shawn and Andrew were talking about me. I politely asked Shawn to never talk about me with Andrew if he runs into him again. It annoys me that Shawn loves Andrew so much that he compares every guy I date to him but I can't make him forget Andrew. Just don't rub it in my face because I know the real Andrew and if you're really my friend, you'd take my side.

Not Taking Any Chances

My mom says it was meant to be. I call it a coincidence. Whatever you call it, I'm not taking any chances. Two weeks ago for Memorial Day weekend I went to California to see the new additions to dad's side of the family. I was there all weekend and enjoyed my stay since I haven't seen them since my grandma's 1 year death anniversary. When I got back home, I was too lazy to unpack my bag and it stayed on my floor for a week. Little did I know that I'll be using the contents of that bag a week later. Interesting enough, what was left in my bag were two black shirts. My mom said it was meant to be that I go back to California for PJ's funeral. I got back into town yesterday morning and I am not taking any chances. I unpacked my bags, put away my clean clothes, and placed the bag in the closet. This is one sign I don't want to repeat the results. We are trying to break our bad luck. It seems that every time something good happens in our lives, the complete opposite happens. We didn't wear black for his funeral. We celebrated his life and we are hoping this will be the last time we say good bye to a loved one for a long time. Rest in peace dear cousin.

You Got Your Three

You know the saying, "people die in threes?" Well God, you got your three, so please leave my family alone for awhile. I can't believe in 16 months, we've lost 3 people in my family. First you take our matriarch and her brother, but you had to take my cousin. He was only 24 years old. No I am not mad at you. I know you have a plan for all of us. I'm just shocked that it happened. He was the first cousin to die but looking at all the people who came to my aunt's house and his viewing, he was very well loved. Everyone showed my family their condolences and expressed how much PJ made an impact in their lives. He was such a caring guy that was able to relate to everyone, young and old. I rarely see grown men cry but the guys I saw crying over my cousin were guys you'd probably be scared of if you've seen them out in the streets.
I just want to say that I love you PJ and we will see each other again. Every time I eat sinigang, I'll think of when we were young and we used to fight over the vegetables. And I'll always remember that face you make whenever you try to make me remember "step step bow." You always made me smile and I'm glad you are now in a better place. I'll miss you forever. Tell Mamang and Papang I said Hi and I miss them too.

It's Official

June 16th is when I start my new job as a game developer. I signed the paperwork and handed it to HR today and I'm mighty excited. I love my coworkers already. We all got the office communicator so we can IM each other all day and we already have a blast talking to one another. I love having girl coworkers who are my age and I have someone I can relate to. What's crazy is that the intern who is closer to my age lives really close to me. We are planning to carpool when she gets back from vacation for the rest of the summer.
I just can't believe how poorly Ed is taking the situation. He won't even talk to me. He sent an email to the whole group to see if we could access a shared drive. Andrew and I were having problems and he didn't even come and help me. He asked Aaron if he had a problem too. He's such an immature dick that I'm excited that I won't be working with him anymore. No matter how hard I try to be civil with him, he's still rude to me. He thinks he's better than everyone just because he's been there longer but people like him need to wise up. Oh well. I don't care. 2 more weeks and I'm out of there. I'll definitely miss the people I interact with. I'll miss my administrative rights. But hey, I got a huge raise so I'm not complaining. I just hope I'm able to live up to Leif's legend. He set the bar pretty high and I hope I'll be able to catch on fast.

You're So Classy

On Monday, my coworkers and I heard some awful news that there was a death in Ed's family and that he'd be gone for a few days and be back today. Ed is the coworker who always gives me a hard time and thinks he's better then everyone. There was a time where we got into an argument in my cube while I was training the new employees. The tension was so thick, you could probably cut through it with a knife.
Anyways, today I was talking to a coworker and I saw him moving some computers and I decided to see how he was doing. I wanted to send my condolences since I haven't really spoken to him in awhile. I went up to him and asked how he was doing. His response? Nothing. He walked right passed me like I wasn't even there. Whaaat the fuck?! Are you pissed at me that I'm leaving the department? Seriously man, grow up. I know people younger and more mature then you. I am so excited to be leaving my department just to get away from him. I've been spending a week in game development full time and they all welcomed me with open arms. People on the OS side would jokingly give me a hard time for leaving them but they all wish me well. They just give me a hard time because they'll miss me. I am counting down the days till I say peace out and never see him again. Well I'll probably still see him, but at least I don't need to interact with him as much.

A Different Side of You

Last night a few of my friends got together to celebrate Angela graduating with a masters in criminal justice. How many people do you know that has a masters degree by the age of 22? We were all so proud of her except for Angela and it showed at the end of the night. As many of you know, alcohol will reveal many feelings you have built up inside and well, it showed a different side of Angela many of us has never seen before, including me. At the end of the night, she disappeared for awhile and no one knew where she was. We were all hanging out in the parking lot of a karaoke place when all of a sudden she started yelling at Nick, her ex boyfriend and started attacking him. Mike got her to calm down and Kathrina took her aside to talk to her. Mallory and I decided it's time to go home and we were saying our goodbyes. When we got to Kathrina, Angela, and Vivian, Angela started talking nonsense. She kept saying how she failed her dead mother because she cannot make a lot of money with a masters in criminal justice. She kept saying it wasn't fair that she didn't have enough time with her mother when she passed away with cancer when she was in the 6th grade. I really felt bad for her because she's never talked about her mom at all and everyone was getting a glimpse of how she's been feeling in her drunken state. We kept reassuring her that her mother is definitely proud of her. Money does not equal success. But it's hard to convince her when she grew up comfortable and is able to buy anything she wants whenever she wants. I know she will be successful in anything she does, I just hope she realizes it. She deserves to be happy. I just feel that not growing up with a mother, she believes she's not allowed to be happy.

Yea, We Were Talking About You.

Last night Kathrina called me to tell me she wasn't going Aprille's house for her BBQ and I already decided that I wasn't going since my ass and back were hurting from the fall. We were talking about spring flicks this weekend and she told me her friend is coming into town and that I should meet him. She said that he was my type and I said I won't do long distance again. Eric and I were pretty much doing long distance since we only saw each other once a week and looking back, I don't want to do that again. Then I told her how Eric and I broke up. After we hung up, she called me again saying that her friend just texted her saying he was in town already. What a coincidence! It was like his ears were ringing and he knew we were talking about him.

Anyways, after we hung up, I went upstairs to watch a movie and I got a text. I thought it was from her again but I didn't understand the text. Then I looked at who it came from and it all made sense. It was from ERIC. We haven't spoken since we broke up 3 weeks ago. Was his ears ringing too? I was just talking about him with Kathrina too! But anyways, while he was texting me, Mallory called so I didn't get to reply till an hour later. We were talking about Wicked and how he's still behind me. It was weird texting him but I've moved on. As the cliché goes, "there are plenty of men out there", and "I deserve better." I truly do believe I deserve better. I need someone who will make time for me, pick me up, and take care of me. Yea at the time, I felt that he could do all that for me. He just needed some time to get back on schedule after a show, but I was just infatuated by him and ignored the fact that he'll never do those for me. I've woken up and I realized I did all the work and got hurt in the end. So good riddance Eric and maybe one day you'll realize you need to change if you ever want to be happy.

Damn You Blue Skates Girl!

So I was minding my own business at the skating rink when all of a sudden I hear a scream and I got knocked down. I go flying up in the air and I landed flat on my ass. I guess it's a good thing I have some extra baggage in the trunk to cushion my fall. As I am holding my lower back rubbing it to ease the pain, I looked at who knocked me down. The first thing I noticed was the blue wheels on her blue skates. Then I looked up to see this teenage girl trying to apologize to me telling me that it was her friend's fault for letting her go. I tell her I'm ok, but I really am not. I wanted to say, "I'm old! I don't recover as fast as you!" But I just got up and skated on my merrily little way while holding onto my back. Yea I totally did the "old person getting back up while rubbing their back" move. I'll be hurting tonight, tomorrow, and the next day. At least I got some exercise today.

Go Green!

Is it me or is going green too trendy? The government has always been urging people to recycle and conserve energy for as long as I can remember. But ever since celebrities have become aware of the benefits of caring for the Earth and their impact on the lives of their fans, it has become too trendy. Everywhere I turn, there's a commercial or a website about going green. I was watching TLC last night and they were talking about having a channel for the sole purpose of helping everyone go green. It's so trendy that it might be getting out of hand. Yes, I care about the Earth. Yes, I want to have clean air and water but it just seems that people are going too far and are capitalizing on something that we've been doing for years just because a celebrity says to do it. So go ahead and go green if you want, but I'll just stick to my own routine of conserving energy, water, and gas and try to recycle whenever I can. You may call it going green, I call it a routine.

Self Curse

I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I don't knock on wood enough. But whenever I say "I never..." or "I don't...", it actually does happen to me. Take for instance, a few years ago, I was talking to a friend and I said, "I've never gotten a speeding ticket." Low and behold, a few days later, I got pulled over for not only speeding, but for running a red light and no seat belt.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm working with my mom at the park catering my aunt's college reunion when I decided I want to try and get a tan. If you know me, I can barely get a hint of a tan. But I was outdoors for 5 plus hours so I was bound to get some type of color on this pale colored skin of mines. My aunt suggested I wear sun block because she thought I'll get sun burned since I'm so fair skinned. My response? "I don't get sunburned." Yea, I don't get sunburned my ass. After 5 hours outside, I was red as a lobster. And now my shoulders and my chest are kicking me in the ass for cursing myself. I think this is my second sunburn and the first time doesn't even count. It was just my nose and it wasn't this bad. So from now on, I'm not going to say "I never..." or "I don't..." because there isn't enough wood out there for me to knock on to counteract the curse I put on myself.

A New Future?

Last night my cousin called me saying she was in town since her dad wanted to randomly come to Vegas. I told her that I called her dad a few days ago to see if he could do anything about my application for the county. She told me that he was meeting with Janet, his friend who works for county and that's when we both realized that this random trip to Vegas was because of me! He called me this morning saying that Janet can maybe do something since the position is in the IT department. Hopefully I'll be saying adios to my old job and hola to a new job in county. Pray that I get an interview and I wow them with my charm because we all know that I am not that qualified.

Leaving My Comfort Zone

The one thing I learned from Eric was learning to leave my comfort zone. He made me realize that I wasn't that happy with my current monotonous job and life. I haven't been satisfied for quite some time but I chose to stay only because I'm awaiting a promotion this year. But Eric made me realize that even if I get more money and more responsibilities, I'll still be unsatisfied. So I took the first step into leaving this comfortable life. I applied for a job for the county. I've always wanted a job in the government because of the awesome benefits and the chance for early retirement. Even though I wasn't really qualified, it took a lot for me to actually apply. I even called my uncle to see if he could push my application through or anything to give me a little advantage to my disadvantage qualifications. I really hope I do get this job because I'm ready for a change. New job, new life, and possibly a new man. Well not anytime soon of course, but when I'm ready to let go of Eric.

I Don't Need to Know This

When I told Jill that Eric and I were breaking up, the first thing she said was she was sorry. The second thing she said was, I had a feeling it wouldn't last. Then she goes on to tell me that she and our friends were talking about us at a friend's party that I didn't attend. And they were talking about how they didn't like Eric and that they wish I was still with Andrew. Granted, they just want what's best for me but I really didn't appreciate them judging Eric after one meeting or not even meeting him at all. I don't really appreciate that they bring up Andrew to me. Do they not remember what he put me through? Did they forget how immature he was for going through this 6 month relationship and still not wanting to be exclusive. Granted it was partially my fault for sticking through it, but he didn't have the balls to end it when it was going too far. Why date someone for that long if you really don't have any intentions of being exclusive? I had to step up and save my heart from heartbreak. Now I realize what Eric meant. She didn't have to tell me this even if it's the truth. Even though Eric and I aren't together anymore, I defended him to Jill. I don't think she appreciated me being so defensive with Eric since she never responded to my message of how he and I ended our relationship. I think after my relationship with Eric, I can see how I don't want to go back to my old life. I don't want to hang out with my old friends who still party and drink all the time. Is this me growing up? Well, actually Eric helped me keep my New Year's resolution. Just don't tell him that. I don't want him to get a big head.

Officially Single...Unfortunately

So Sunday night I officially became single. Eric called me around 7pm like I asked him to. He was usually good on his word when it comes to calling.
me: Hey
him: Hey
me: so what's going on?
him: nothing.
me: what's on your mind?
him: nothing
me: no. what's on your mind about us?

And that's when it started. He says he feels like it's not working between us. He says it's only been 3 months and he already feels us growing distant. It's not WE who are growing distant, it's you! You're the one who wont drop the argument. Of course, that's his invitation to bring up Jill again. He says that ever since I told him the truth of how Jill felt the first time she saw him, he couldn't move past that feeling of rejection. And then he accuses me of caring about what people think of me. I tell him I could care less of what people think of me. I know a few people who hate me because of the way I look and act, but it doesn't matter to me. Then he goes on about how I don't know when to drop things. He says that I kept asking him to change his relationship status on myspace. I never told him this because I didn't think of it until we hung up, but the reason why I kept asking him to was because he said he was going to change it and I never saw him follow through on it. And then he says I'm too social for him. He says when I hang out with people, I bring a large group of friends. I told him that the only reason there's a large group of us is because it's usually someone's birthday. I rarely hang out with a large group. I'm usually with a few girlfriends doing a girl's night out. Then he says that he feels like I'm showing him off. What does that mean? He says that the one night I took him out, he felt like I was showing him off. First of all, no I wasn't. I wanted him to meet a few of my friends. And second, they were excited to meet him because we've been dating for a couple of months now and have never seen him. He accused me of forcing him to go when he didn't feel like going. Again, I wanted him to follow through on his promise. He told me he'd go and I think it's important to keep your word. I'm not apologizing for that. I told him that his temper and negativity was what made me realize we weren't good for each other. His little outburst the first day of his job scared me. He was lost yes, but I was helping him with the directions already. He didn't have to keep yelling and cursing about how he knew he was going the wrong way but still continued on with the directions he was given. I told him that I've been reevaluating our relationship since then and that this made it easier for me to end it. Then he goes on saying how he's sorry he hurt me and that maybe if I forgive him we can still be friends. And that maybe we can see each other in two weeks when he's here for the day. I told him maybe. He even suggest that if we're friends by then, we can go camping in the summer. I'd rather go camping with my boyfriend. I told him that the one thing I'll miss was our conversations. We had the best conversations and none of them felt forced. We were able to hold conversations for hours everyday and that's rare to find. And he agreed. And that's when it turned around. We admit we still care for each other. And it would be in our best interest just to end it now so neither one of us gets hurt down the line. We civilly ended our relationship and ended up talking for an hour and a half more as friends. We were even laughing. What type of break up was this?? I told him this was the best break up I've ever had. How can we go from arguing and breaking up to just laughing and possibly seeing this turning into a friendship?

I still miss him. I miss his daily calls. His daily texts. His sweet good night texts. But I know this is for the best. Right now I don't mind his late hours and only seeing him once a week. But I know I'll resent him later. This is for the best and I'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but I know I'll be okay eventually. But who knows, maybe once he's established and settled down, our hearts can meet again. He'll always be a part of me because no one ever forgets their first.

Dun Dun Dun

So I'm still up pretty early. I woke up at 4am today then I went back to sleep only to wake up a little before 7 because I can't sleep anymore. The stress of this relationship is taking a toll on my body. I feel a sore throat coming on. My sleep is being interrupted. I text Eric last night before bed asking if he's off on Sunday and there was response. Today is the day we're supposed to talk about us. I have a feeling he's going to take the immature route and not even call me. I have a feeling he's going to either ignore me till next week, or call me at the last second today. He probably doesn't want to call me so he can hear me cry. To know he's the reason I've been crying all week and loosing sleep.

A part of me just wants us to take a break and maybe pick up where we left off when he comes home in May. But another part of me wants to just break it off because he can never give me what I want in a relationship. I'm not a needy girl who needs to see her boyfriend everyday. But I do want to be acknowledged everyday at least through text. I want to know how his day went even if it's just through a few texts everyday. That's why I was okay with his long hours. He would make time to call or text me. But the one thing he can't give me and I'm sure I'll find in a different guy. Being open minded to do new things. Eric is like an old man. He's set in his ways and is not willing to change. Eric is so negative towards everything that I get frustrated even suggesting something. That's the one thing I wont miss about Eric. His negativity and his short temper. I think ever since his birthday outbursts in LA, I was reevaluating our relationship and I think deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work. His short temper reminds me of my dad and it's what I despise in my dad. When my parents were fighting yesterday, all I could think of was Eric and how if we do go on with this relationship, I'll be like my mother, saying he'll never change and threatening to leave him.

So, hurry up Eric and call me. Let's end this relationship. I've already accepted it and mourned all week for the loss of this relationship. I just want to say that it's not me who is being immature, it's you. You're the one who's not open minded enough to accept other people's opinions and not let it affect you. You're the one who doesn't want to drop it. And you're the one who's using this fight as an excuse to break up with me. You're not as mature as you think you are.

You once told me you feel like you're not supposed to be happy. But I think it's because when you feel a hint of happiness, you take a step back and you intentionally ruin it for yourself. I don't think you want to be happy. I think you want to shelter yourself from happiness because you know you can't stay happy forever and you're afraid you'll get hurt. Everyone has a right to be happy and just because you might get hurt, that feeling of happiness is always worth it. I know you were starting to feel happy. I heard it in your voice when I would talk to you. I saw your face light up from time to time. It's just too bad you ruined something so good between us.

If only I'll be brave enough to tell him all these things without getting choked up. I was never one to talk about my feelings without crying. When Mallory came over on Friday, I was okay until she would ask me how I was feeling and then the water works would come with that simple question. I haven't been this emotional in awhile and I hate it.

What I'll Miss

So my body doesn't realize that I'll be single soon. I've been waking up earlier and earlier each day thinking that Eric will give me my usual morning call. It hurts more and more thinking it's finally over. Tomorrow is supposedly the day we're going to break up. As I'm writing this, I can't believe I'm awake before 7am on a Saturday. Eric usually calls me around 6:30am everyday right before he goes to work, even on the weekends. I'm thankful for my friends who keep trying to comfort me in this time in need. A lot of my friends have never seen my emotional side because I try to hide the pain I feel.

What I'll miss the most is the chemistry and the connection Eric and I had. We were complete opposites and yet we were able to hold a conversation for hours on end everyday. It's hard to find a guy who will talk to you for five minutes, let alone a few hours. He and I would talk about anything and everything. I will miss the Friday nights cuddling and massage sessions. Even though he wasn't the best person who gave massages, his efforts were cute. He was just a big dork at heart and I'll miss that. But I realize more that we were never meant to be. I saw him for who he was and it's definitely not what I want in a boyfriend. The second night he was in LA, he got lost and he called me. He was getting furious because his friend gave him the wrong directions so he kept yelling while he was on the phone with me. He wasn't yelling at me, he was just yelling to express how angry he was that he couldn't get home. You know that saying that women date men who are similar to their fathers. His short temper and his desire to not be social is definitely how my father acts. But his strong worth ethics and his do it yourself attitude is what made me see the qualities I enjoy seeing in my father.

Sometimes I feel that I'm okay with the break up and I'll be fine. Then I'll randomly just cry out of nowhere and realize that I'm still in deep like with him. Some people say he's making this fight about judging people as an excuse to just break up with me. It seems like it but I don't want to taint our relationship. Even though it wasn't a long one, it was definitely one for the books. He made the beginning of 2008 memorable for me and that's how I want to remember it.

We Need to Talk

So I get a text from Eric this morning saying "we need to talk." But not now. On his day off. Why not just get it over with. I know he wants to talk because he wants to break up with me. He tells me that we're in different places. He realized this when I told him that the first time Jill saw him at the party we met, she thought he was a bad boy and didn't like him. He says it was immature of me to tell him that. First of all, he brought it up. Second, what was I supposed to do? Lie? I don't lie to people I care about. I don't want this relationship to end. I care for Eric but it's a two way street and I'll just have to accept it. But I won't end it without a fight. I'm going to tell him how I really feel. If he's going to break up with me because of that, that's not very mature of him. He's not as mature as he makes himself out to be. So we've scheduled a day to talk and most likely break up. It'll be Sunday and I'll be a free girl unfortunately. I really don't want to break up but I must keep my dignity.

What a Coinkydink!

I'm tired of writing blogs about depressing stuff going on in my life. I never realized how hard a long distance relationship was until I became in one. I never realized how hard a relationship was period, until I became in one. But anyways, enough about my depressing sob stories. Just pray that it'll get better for me.

I was listening to the radio and they were talking about strange coincidences that seems to unreal to happen in real life. People called in talking about how they met someone randomly and now they are living happily ever after. People called in talking about how they randomly ran into an old friend in a strange place. My strange coincidence happened while I was in college. I usually went to school early and sat in the hallway outside my class to get some last minute studying. I was minding my own business focusing on my notes when I hear, "Are you Monica?" I look up at this girl who seems to recognize me. I blink a few times trying to rack my brain as to who this person was. Nope, no idea who she was. Then she says, "It's me! Thanh!" The only thing that came through my mouth was, "Oh my God." I haven't seen this girl since junior high and we lost touch. We tried keeping in touch our freshman year of high school but that didn't go so well. We had our own lives already and couldn't hold onto our past. We still talk about that incident when we reminisce about our past. Since Thanh has always been an introvert and a homebody, we always seem to loose touch. But when we do find each other, we are always able to pick up where we left off. The last time I saw her was two years ago, and I'm sure I'll see her one day again. We always seem to find each other.